


No Greater Love

by Juliejul6



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bi-Curiosity, Bi-Curious Dean Winchester, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 16:31:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11718189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juliejul6/pseuds/Juliejul6
Summary: Castile Novak doesn't remember anything about his past. Until the night he decides to go for a drive and get a drink. In a smoky bar, it's Dean Winchester who catches Cas's eye. All Dean sees is the man who he was so deeply loved five years before. Cas too is caught off balance seeing in Dean something so familiar and their old profound bond they used to share. But something else...something he never expected. Love.In a story that goes through war, heartbreak, and bravery, it proves true love will never die, even when it's pulled apart again and again.





	1. All Too familiar

Castiel Novack awoke to the sound of someone knocking on his front door. At first when he opened his eyes and looked around the room, he thought he had dreamt it. He closed his eyes again to fall back to sleep when the knocking happened again. This time it was more urgent. He sat up and grabbed his cell off the nigh table and looked at the time. It was five thirty in the morning. He rubbed his eyes and wondered who would be knocking at his door this early in the morning. He sleepily made his way down the hall, in nothing but his SpongeBob pajama pants. He peeked in on his three year old step daughter, who was sound asleep on her toddler bed. He slowly shut the door so the noise wouldn't wake her up. He went to the front door, unlocked and opened it to revel his wife Jennifer's best friend from the Army standing in front of him. He stared at him, his eyes fluttering in utter confusion.

"Daniel? What are you doing here?"

"We need to talk Castiel. Can I come in?"

Castiel's heart suddenly felt like it stopped. He knew what this was, and part of him didn't want to let them in because he didn't want to hear it. If he heard the words come out of their mouth, it would become reality. So many thoughts began racing through his mind. She couldn't be dead. She promised him she would always come back to him. She never broke her promises to him. 

"What is this about?" 

Daniel sighed and looked into Cas's eyes. His voice turned sad. "I'd rather come in to discuss this." Cas stared at the man for five seconds before opening the door wider for him to come in. 

"Maybe we should have a seat."

Cas shut the door behind them and turned to face his wife's best friend who they had shared many memories with. He had been invited to every Christmas and thanksgiving dinner and was considered family. 

"I thought you guys weren't supposed to be back for another month?" Cas said to him curiously. "Maybe you should stop stalling and you tell me what this is about." 

He sighed holding his stare. "Jennifer was near a car bombing when we were in Afghanistan. A few explosions went off and it was like a lot of people went crazy. They all started eating each other. They all had to be shot down. Your wife wasn't one of them. But she went missing in the chaos."

Cas blinked a few times and then narrowed his eyebrows and folded his arms across his chest. "They started eating eachother?"

He nodded. "We don't know if it was a psychological chemical they let off in the air. We seriously don't even know what it was. It's possibly chemical warfare. It's happening almost everywhere around the world right now. It hasn't got here yet. We're working on finding out what it is. She could have been taken prisoner. We're still looking."

Cas let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "This sounds like something out of a horror movie. Eating each other? Come on Daniel."

"I was there Castiel. It was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen. It...it was like no matter how many times we shot them, they just wouldn't die. They attacked...and ripped...and tore people apart...and the blood..." He shook his head in disgust. "I had seen some heavy shit before...but that...that's going to keep me up at night for the rest of my life."

Cas rubbed a hand over his five o clock shadow. "So she could be off somewhere being tortured or could be dead." He nodded at him. "What are the chances you can find her? Or should I start planning a fuckin funeral?" Cas didn't like the government or the military and was extremely bitter. Something inside him told him that they were all no good. He didn't know what it was, but there was something extremely off about it. He had told his wife so when he had met her five years before, but all she wanted to do was help the world. Now she was gone. 

He snapped his eyes up to look at Cas. "They're doing everything they can Cas."

"No. No you're not. I know how this works."

"Castiel..."

"Get out..." He mumbled as his eyes fell to the floor.

"Listen, I know this is hard for you..."

"No." Cas stepped up to him so that he was nose to nose with him. Cas's eyes bore into his. "No you don't. You don't know first thing how hard this is. Get out of my house."

A sadness appeared in Daniel's eyes as he hung his head and he started to walk out the door. Just as he was about to shut it, he turned and looked at Castiel. "I am sorry Castiel...I lost her too."

But Cas wasn't listening. The door slowly closed and Cas was alone again. He sat on the couch and looked around the house and all the pictures on the walls. It was like looking at the story of their life all over the house. They had met five years ago as Cas was working as a waitor at a resturaunt called Evans. He could hear her say I love you in his mind like it was yesterday. He has been attracted to her sense of humor and her bright personality. He was able to just talk to her about anything at a time when he was so lost. She had become his best friend. His eyes fell on their wedding picture hanging in the middle of the wall between all the others, and his heart shattered into a million pieces. All of a sudden he felt so lost again and alone. He could almost hear his heart break in the silence of the room. Tears finally fell down his cheeks and he buried his face in his hands and cried harder than he'd ever cried in his life.

The year went by faster than Cas could grasp it. Every day he waited for a phone call that said they found her somewhere and she was safe and was coming home to him. There were nights that he would sit up and stare at the front door and wait for the sound of her keys unlocking the door from the other side. He would sip on a glass of whiskey and expect her to come home. It was like it was all a dream. His whole life had been a dream lately the past five years. It was like nothing felt real and didn't seem right. He pulled out his phone and went through all their pictures together and tried to memorize her face. Even after a year it just didn't seem like it really happened. Nothing could take away this feeling of emptiness in the pit of his stomach or the off feeling he felt. It was like again he didn't even know who he was anymore.

Finally Cas decided he needed to get out of the house. He had to clear his head.

He left the house, got in his car and drove to the nearest bar. The bar was called 317 and he hadn't been there since the day before Jennifer left to go overseas. He had to get his thoughts together and inside he felt like this would be a way of saying goodbye for good. 

He sat down at the bar and the bartender caught a glimpse of him from the other side of the counter. Cas's eyes met his and he narrowed his eye brows at him, confused at why he was staring at him like he had seen a ghost. They locked eyes for a good twenty seconds before he made his way over to him. He threw a towel over his shoulder and put both hands on the edge of the counter leaned forward toward him. "What can I get you?"

"Give me a double shot of Jamison on ice please."

He tapped the counter. "You got it." He pulled out a glass and poured the whiskey over ice in a small glass. As he did it, Cas noticed how very fit the man was. He was wearing jeans and muscles showed through his tight black shirt. For some very odd reason there was something very familiar about him. As if he'd known him forever. 

He slid the small glass toward him. "It's on the house."

"Oh no. I can't let you do that. It's fine. I'll pay." He went to reach for his wallet in his pant pocket. 

The bartender held his hand up. "No really. It's on me. You look like you need it."

Cas withdrew his hand from his pocket slowly. "Thank you." He said quietly. Then glanced up at him and cocked his head to side. "Do I know you?"

The bartenders hazel eyes widened and he cleared his throat. "No. I don't think so."

Cas shook his head as if he was a dog trying to shake off water, and tried to get rid of the off the feeling he had. "I swear I've seen you before."

"Nope. Never seen you my entire life. So what's the matter? You get dumped." He asked him as he started taking beer bottles out of a brand new box, and placed them in the ice below the counter. 

Cas watched him for a second before he answered. "No. She um...she died...overseas in Afghanistan." 

The bartender froze and locked eyes with him, feeling like a jack ass for asking. "Jesus Ca..." He stopped in mid-sentence and cleared his throat again. "I mean...i'm sorry for asking."

"No it's not your fault. You didn't know." He replied putting a hand up.

He put his hand out. "I'm Dean."

Cas lifted his head and looked at Dean's out stretched hand and took it. "Castiel."

When he let go Dean cleared his throat and went back to taking the beer bottles out of the box. "How did it happen if you don't mind me asking?"

"Um...I guess there was a car bomb and she was in the middle of it or something. Some weird shit went down and they never found her body. They told me she was missing in action. But I think...there was just nothing left of her..." His words sounded like they trailed off and he took a sip of the whiskey. 

"I'm sorry. That really...really sucks big time." 

"Yeah..." Cas glanced up at him. "How long have you worked here?"

"A few months. Why?"

Cas's eye brows narrowed at him. "I don't know. I was just wondering cause there is something so familiar about you. I swear I feel like I've seen you before."

Dean's eyes widened for a second but quickly shook his head. "Nope. First time ive ever seen you."

"Weird..." Cas shook his head. "Worse than déjà vu." 

Dean gave an awkward laugh and shook his head. "Yeah. That is weird." He threw the box away in the back and came back to where Cas was sitting. "Listen, I'm sure you need to get your mind off things. Why don't you hang out with me after I get off? We'll just take a drive. I'm sure you need someone to listen."

"You make it sound like a date."

Dean laughed but inside felt the old familiar feelings of butterflies when he said it. "Not a date, just two people becoming good friends. What do you say?"

Cas sighed and nodded. "Okay. But I can't be out late. I have to get back home to my daughter."

Dean locked eyes with him. "Yeah. Yeah I know what you mean. I got to get home to my wife snf pregnant wife too."

Cas nodded and sighed. "Can I have another shot please?"

Dean nodded and poured him a double shot. He slid it over to him and began to pour another one. Cas frowned at Dean as he held up his shot glass.

"To your wife, and may she rest in paradise in heaven." 

Cas smiled sadly. "Yes." They both took their shot and Dean's eyes never left Cas's as he took his. His heart was racing and not from the effects of the alcohol. He had something to tell Cas, but he didn't want to tell him and ruin his whole life he had started. He was already a broken shell of a man sitting in his bar, and if he told him anything like this, he might not believe him and never talk to him again, or it would break him to pieces even more. Dean poured him another one and Cas looked up at him with those blue eyes that always had him twisted. He couldn't believe that he could still have this effect on him. That his blue eyes could bore into his like the always did. He couldn't believe he could still want him after all the years that passed. Dean gave him a half grin and walked away to help the rest of the customers. Cas continued to take shots as he sat there. He didn't know how many shots or double shots he had taken. He had lost count after six. He watched Dean from his corner of the bar and smiled. There was something very familiar but yet mysterious about him. Dean looked over at him from across the bar and smiled at him and Cas suddenly felt butterflies in his stomach. He tried to ignore it and looked away out of Dean's gaze and focused on the TV and the football game on. 

After the bar was closed and Dean ended up closing up, Cas followed Dean out to the parking lot and to his car. Cas stopped and stared at the car as something sparked in his memory. It was a flash of Dean driving the car and he was in the passenger seat and he was looking at Dean as they were both laughing. 

"Cas." Dean said and snapped his fingers and brought him out of it. Cas looked like he was in another world. 

He looked at Dean and shook his head. "I'm sorry...I don't know what just happened."

Dean furrowed his eye brows at Cas. "What was it?" 

"I don't know. It's nothing. I just feel a little drunk. That's all."

Dean nodded slowly. "Want me to take you home? You can't drive like that."

Cas shook his head. "No I wanna...take a drive with you." And he did. He didn't know why he wanted to so bad, but he did.

Dean opened the passenger door and let Cas in and slammed the door shut after him. Cas looked around the car and suddenly felt like his chest was caving in. He felt like he couldn't breath and the sound of Dean getting in the car and shutting the door made him jump. Dean looked at Cas and smiled. "You sure you're okay. You were in another planet back there."

"Yeah...I swear I've just seen this car before. There is something so familiar about it and I swear I..."

Dean stared at Cas as his heart started racing.. "You what?" 

"Nothing..."

"Ok." Dean's eyes fell and in his heart he felt disappointed but there was also a hint of relieve. He stuck the keys in and started the Impala. He backed out of the parking lot and pulled off into the night. 

As they were driving Cas kept looking at Dean like he had seen a ghost. Dean glanced over and then back at the road. 

"Why do you keep looking at me like that?"

"I'm sorry." He pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. "It's been a weird night."

Dean let out a soft chuckle. "You got that right."

Cas looked at him. "What?'

Dean looked back at Cas for a second and then back at the road. "Nothing. Just a weird night."

"Why? What's going on with you?" Cas asked him curiously. It was like he wanted to know everything about him.

Dean sighed. He couldn't tell him what was really bothering him so he decided to tell him the small things that were eating him. 

"My wife and I fight a lot. I thought I was happy and I wanted this life but something is just missing. I want to go back to my old life, but that would mean I would have to leave her behind and facing a lot of pain as well from my past. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to be unhappy either. I just feel like I wish I could have both. That life...and this one?" He looked at Cas as he listened and he nodded in understanding.

"I know how that feels. I also have felt like something's been missing in my life. Like this life isn't what I wanted or where I am supposed to be. I feel out of place. I don't even know where half of my life went. I just one day woke up in a hotel room...and I honestly don't even know who I am."

"Well...maybe it's best you don't know. You know? Maybe who you were before is dangerous."

"How can you be so sure?" 

"Cause who I used to be was. It changed me, and every day I put my life on the line. That's why I gave it up." 

"Maybe that means we shouldn't go back to that."

Dean didn't say anything. He just kept driving and thinking about what Cas said. In his mind, he knew Cas was right. But in deep down his heart was telling him something else. 

"You look so sad." Cas said into the silence of the car. 

Dean shrugged. "I have a lot to be sad about."

"What's paining you Dean?" Cas wanted to know everything about him. He seemed so mysterious.

Dean pulled over near a hill that over looked the beach and turned the car off. He reached under the seat and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. "Nothing anymore." He smiled as he twisted the cap of and took a drink out of the bottle. He handed the bottle to Cas which Cas took with a smile. He took a sip and made a face as he swallowed it. "That was strong." He laughed as he coughed a little.

Dean laughed and took it back from Cas and took another sip. For ten minutes they sat and silence and shared the bottle. Cas's body begin to feel very warm and he felt dizzy as he sat there and stared out to the ocean and watched the waves come in and out. "This is really beautiful Dean."

Dean nodded. "Yeah...I know...I come here when I need to think. Some very special times were spent here. It just helps me think."

"With your wife?"

Dean shook his head. "No. My brother and my mom and dad when I was a little. And also this is the first place I fell in love. I mean like really fell in love for the first time."

"That's sweet. You should take your wife here."

Dean shook his head and took another sip out of the bottle. Dean had a huge alcohol tolerance because he had drank all his life. He wasn't a heavy drinker, but he could handle his alcohol. As he passed the bottle back to Cas and smiled. "So what was it about your wife that made you fall in love with her."

Cas took a drink and thought about it. "She was kind, and dangerous, and all she wanted to do was help people and save the world."

Dean chuckled. "Yeah we need more people like that."

"Somehow she reminded me of someone and I couldn't remember who it was, but that's why I was attracted to her." Cas continued. "Like she filled a piece of my life I couldn't remember. I met her when I was just sitting on a bench in a park and, and I was just...lost. she sat next to me and asked if I was okay. Everything just happened after that."

Dean looked out the window and sighed. He imagined Cas sitting alone in a park and pain and guilt ripped through his heart. "It's getting late. We should get you home."

Dean started the car and Cas put his hand on his arm. Dean looked at Cas's hand and then back up at him, and suddenly his heart felt like it was doing cart wills at his touch and his face grew hot. "It's okay Dean. Whatever is bothering you, it will be okay."Cas said with that kindness that Dean always remembered. 

"Yeah. I don't think so." Dean said and backed the car up and they drove away from the rolling waves of the ocean. 

Cas woke with the pain of the night before. He turned over and groaned and licked his lips and tried to gain some saliva in his cotton mouth. He looked up at the ceiling and realized he wasn't home. He sat up and suddenly regretted it as a feeling of nausea hit him and he quickly laid back down on the soft white pillows. Suddenly the bedroom door opened and Dean appeared with a tray of different alcohols. 

"Good morning sunshine."

Cas let out a moan and he felt like he was about to get sick. 

"Don't worry. Nothing crazy happened. You were so drunk I had to take you home but I didn't know where you lived so I just let you sleep in my bed and I took the couch. Thank god my wife and stepson are out of town for a couple days. She might think something really weird." He kind of chuckled. 

"Like what?" Cas managed to say. 

Deans smile slowly vanished and he shook his head. "Nothing. Nothing at all. Here. Take a sip of one of these drinks I made. They are of what you were drinking last night. I made every single one. It will help your hangover."

Cas's heart felt like it was gonna explode with how sweet it was that he took the time to make all those drinks for him to feel better. His face grew hot as he sat up and took one and smelled it. He turned his head away and made a nasty face as he almost gagged. It was tequila. 

"Nope. Drink it." Dean put his hand around Cas's and the glass and lifted it to Cas's lips. Cas sipped it and his face jerked with disgust. Dean sat the glass back on the tray and he disappeared into the bathroom and filled up a glass of water. He came back and handed it to Cas and put some aspirin in his hand, which Cas gladly took. Cas laid back down on the pillow and sighed. "I didn't mean to get that drunk last night. It was an accident."

Dean shrugged and gave him a half grin. "It happens. Get some rest. And I'll take you back to the bar to get your car on my way to work."

   Cas nodded and closed his eyes and fell into a deep sleep. Dean stood up and stared at him as he slept and couldn't help notice the feeling that was stirring inside him. He was trying to ignore it but how can you ignore something that kept trying to service. He wanted so bad to tell him everything about him. He wanted to tell him his deepest darkest secrets all over again. 

He quietly left the room and made his way down stairs. He walked into the kitchen and reached into the cabinet. He pulled out a bottle of jack Daniels and a glass and poured himself a little.  He sipped it and stared out the kitchen window and thought about the feelings he didn't want to feel. No one ever made him feel like this or stir those kinds of feelings in the pit of stomach after all these years. He was lost in thought when he saw a familiar car pull into the drive way. It was his brother Sam. He went to the door and opened it as Sam was just walking up. 

  "Hey Dean." They embraced in a tight hug and Dean could tell Sam was upset. After he had him alone in the living room Dean slowly took a seat on the couch and Sam sat in the arm chair across from him. "Have you been watching the news lately?"

Dean shook his head. "No. I told you Sammy I don't watch the news anymore.  I'm retired. I don't want to deal with that life anymore. When I see it, I turn the channel."

  "Dean this is important. It's end of the world important." 

"Well..." Dean said placing both of his hands on his thighs and then standing up. "Good luck with that." 

  "Dean..." Sam stood up and followed Dean into the kitchen. "I know you quit cause of what happened. But I can't do this without you. This is big.  I found out from one of the angels that something really weird is going on over seas. It's like a spell people are under. They're eating each other and ripping each other to pieces. It's like their zombies. It hasn't hit here yet but Dean...no one is talking about this. Not even the news or the radio. Dean...this is scary. Something really weird is going on."

Dean reached into the fridge and grabbed a beer. He popped the cap off and took a drink. 

"No one is talking about it, so there is nothing to worry about right?'

Sam gave him a worried expression and chuckled because of his stupidity. "No Dean, it means there is a lot to worry about. It means the government doesn't want anyone to know about this."

"Oh my God Sam. Don't tell me you believe that conspiracy crap where the government is only out for themselves." Dean said in a stern voice.

Sam gave another chuckle. "Yes I actually do Dean..."

"If something like that actually happened, we would have heard about it somewhere. No one can keep that big of a secret. And I don't know what to tell you. I'm done, especially with anything that has to do with angels. Fuck their feathered asses....but um...speaking of angels, i got something to tell you. Someone showed up at my bar last night." 

Sam stared at Dean, waiting for him to explain. When he didn't he motioned for him to continue. "Elaborate for me Dean. I'm not a mind reader."

Dean took a deep breath. "Cas...

Sam's expression changed from being frustrated to shocked. "C...Cas"

   Dean nodded and sat his beer on the table. "Yup. Cas. His wife died in Afghanistan. And he wanted a drink."

"Does he remember you....or us...or you two..."

Dean shook his head. "No. And I hate it." Dean gritted his teeth. "Cause as soon as he showed up all my feelings came back. And I realized how much I missed him. And all I wanted to do was grab him and kiss him. The way his blue eyes bore into mine as he sat there. The familiar sound of his voice. The way he said my name." Tears began to surface in Deans eyes and a knot began to form in his throat. 

Sam swallowed hard and slowly sat down across from Dean. He knew how very much in love Dean was with Cas.  It had been five years since it all went down. "He can't remember you Dean. He can't. He has a life now. And so do you. You have a family now...and they need you."

"You don't think I get that Sammy." Dean said as his eyes shot up to meet Sams. "For five years I've done all I can to forget about him for his sake. And then he just shows up at my job...now he's upstairs in my bed."

"Wait...what..." 

  "Oh my god Sam. Not like that. He was drunk passed out in my car. He wasn't gonna be able to drive. I took him here so he could sleep it off." 

Sam released a sigh of relief, then said, "Can I see him."

Dean motioned with his hand to go head. Sam made his way up the stairs and disappeared as Dean took another swig of beer. When Sam appeared again he had the face of someone who was in disbelief. "I just can't believe it." He said as he sat back down across from Dean. 

  "Yeah. Me either. " 

Sam rubbed his chin and leaned forward. "Dean...you can't allow him to remember you. You need to take him home and never see him again."

Dean nodded slowly, staring down at his beer. "I know."

Then Sam's eyes widened. "Dean wait...what if he was meant to wonder into your bar last night."

Dean blinked in utter confusion. "What?"

"What if God did this so he could help us with this mission."

"So...God killed Cas's wife and left him a single father so he could help us save the world? So what am I supposed to get Cas's memory back some how."

"I don't know Dean. You've done it before.  I'll find out. Just give me time."

"No Sam. To be honest I don't give two craps about all that out there anymore. My life is ruined because of that job. I couldn't even be with the love of my life because of it. I don't want nothing to do with it. And I'm certainly not going to ruin Cas's life anymore either."

"You never ruined his life Dean.  You two were..." Sam thought of the right words and he sighed. "In love. You couldn't help that anymore then he could. 

"Yeah but sure heaven did. And he was booted out because of it. Like I said I don't care anymore." 

Sam nodded.  "Okay. I'll figure it out."

"Yeah. Just leave me out of it." Dean said and took another sip. 

   Sam sat for a second and stared at Dean tracing his beer bottle with his fingers with a sadness in his eyes he'd never seen before. He had always thought Dean was happy all these years with Lisa. He knew now Dean had become a mastermind of covering up his feelings well to hide the pain, but usually Sam could see through it. He must have really missed it this time. Sam left Dean to sit there and go through what he was going through. He needed to be left alone to think about it all. He'd come through. He always did.

  Dean sat at the table for at least an hour remembering all of his and Cas's memories. One thing that stood out the most is his smile and how he would look at Dean when he was across the room. There was always such a ray of sunshine about him when he would smile. He remembered the day they had confessed their feelings for each other. 

                    Five years ago

    Dean and Cas had just finished doing some research for a case involving Lucifer. They met up with Crowley, the king of hell, on the Beach and they had discussed some information and mapped out a plan to take him out for good.  Afterwards walking back to the car along the shore Dean stopped and sighed as he looked out toward the ocean. Cas frowned and gave Dean a soft look of concern. "Dean. What's wrong?"

    Dean looked down and shook his head. "Just thinking about I used to come here with my dad and my mom when I was little. It was like our life was normal back then. Until it all went down."

    Cas gazed up at Dean and touched his shoulder. "Dean...It's okay. It all happened for a reason This is your purpose. God had this all planned out from before you were born. You were born to save the world Dean. And to be honest I am so proud of you and who you've become. You weren't the shadow of a man I thought you were. You've become more than just my best friend and I love you Dean."

    Dean looked at Cas and from there he didn't even know what happened. It happened so fast.  Dean leaned in and kissed him softly at first. Then when he pulled away and they stared at each other for a second. Then Cas leaned forward and kissed him again, this time harder and more passionately then before. Deans fingers sank into his hair, tilted his head back and pressed his open mouth agaiunst his. He sent his tongue deep into his mouth. 

Cas locked his arms around Deans neck. Dean raised his head up for a minute to look at him as ran a thumb over his lips that were swollen and moist from his kiss.  All he could think of was kissing him again, harder, and he did. They're lips tangled in the fire of the moment. That's when Dean knew he couldn't resist what he felt anymore. He always tried to ignore it but he couldn't anymore. He was in love with Cas. And no supernatural being or any person could take what he felt for him away. 

Dean blamed himself because he had been the first one to kiss him. But the way they made love was not anything like he had ever felt with a anyone. Maybe because it was more than a one night stand. There was so many feelings he touched inside him that no one had ever reached in his whole life. It was like a million electric neons going off at one time. After it had been over Cas had laid on his back and turned his head to him. Dean had turned to return his look and Cas smiled and laughed out loud. For some reason Dean laughed too. It was all crazy and maybe wrong, but they knew how they felt, especially Cas. As an angel you weren't supposed to feel anything. It blinded you from the ultimate mission. But some how Dean made him feel things he had never felt before. It was all so mysterious but yet easy to fall in love with him. 

Cas turned on his side and started tracing small circles on Dean's bare back with a smile on his face.

"Where have you been my whole life?" Dean asked with his eyes closed, drifting into the deepest sleep."

Cas turned to look at Dean behind him. "I've always been watching Dean...you just couldn't see me."

Dean found himself smiling as he sat at his kitchen table remembering the moment. But then he slowly stopped smiling when he remembered what came after.

That next morning they had been sound asleep and were both awoken to the house shaking and the windows breaking. Dean and Cas both jumped out of bed and fell to the floor and tried to get under the bed to protect themselves. But before Cas could get under with Dean he was grabbed by the arm by Joshua. Cas stared into Josh's eyes wide eyed and frightened. "Brother..." Cas said monotone. But before he could say anything else Cas's mouth opened involuntarily, and a white mist escaped into Joshua's. He then put his hand on Cas's forehead and there was a bright light so blinding Dean had to put an arm up to shield his eyes. Then Cas fell to the floor and Dean jumped up. 

"Cas!" He screamed and then looked at Joshua. "What did you do to him?" 

"You two have gone against the rules of heaven and God. Cas's grace has been taken away as punishment and he has been made human. He will be no longer allowed in heaven, and he will no longer remember you."

   "Why? Because we're in love? Because we made love like any other two human beings. You're going to abolish him? Punish me. This is my fault." He pointed to himself.

Joshua shook his head. "Heavens always known of your profound bond you two have always shared. We never thought Cas would be able to feel. Somehow you made him feel something and succumb to you human beings evil ways."

  "Evil? Since when is being in love evil? Maybe you angels wouldn't be such uptight assholes if you guys would allow yourselves to feel something."

   "This is why we don't." Joshua glanced down at Cas and disappeared into then air. Dean ran to Cas and took him in his arms. 

"Cas! Cas wake up." But Cas was unconscious and would probably be out for a few hours he knew. Tears fell down his cheeks as he looked around the room. How would he ever forgive himself for this. He had to leave Cas. He had to escape out of his life for good. He was no good for him. He got up off the floor and threw on his jeans and threw a shirt over his head. He was on such a rush he didn't even bother buckling his jeans. He grabbed his keys off the table and ran out of the house, leaving Cas there to wake up alone and probably not remember what happened. 

Which is what Dean wanted. He didn't want Cas to remember him. He got in the impala and put his keys in the ignition and started the car. He backed out and drove off, speeding as fast as he could as tears fell down his cheeks. 

At the table in the kitchen, Dean wiped the tears that were falling before they hit the wood of the table. He heard shuffling and looked up to see Cas standing at the bottom of the stairs watching him. "Are you okay?" He asked with that familiar frown of concern. 

"Yeah." Dean said and quickly stood up.

"You don't look good." Cas said. Dean smiled and quickly looked away. Old familiar caring Cas. 

"I'm fine. I should take you back to the bar to get your car. 

"Yeah. I'm sorry about all this...I was a mess last night."

"I know.." he said. "It's not a problem at all. Believe me I know what it's like to lose someone you love."

Cas nodded and looked away in deep thought. "Listen Dean..."

The way he said his name was so familiar, it stirred feels inside he hadn't felt in five years. "Yes."

Cas looked up at him. "Thank you..."

Dean smiled. "Of course." 

A few minutes later they got in the impala and Dean started the car. "This is such a nice car...there's something very familiar about it." Cas said. 

Dean looked at Cas and smiled. "Thank you...it's an old family car." 

You've drivin in it so many times.

But he couldn't tell him that. He ignored it and they drove to the bar in silence. When they pulled up to the parking lot at the front entrence of the bar, Cas put his hand on the handle. 

"Hey..." Dean said before he opened the door. Cas looked back at dean who was looking at him with such affection it made Cas feel something inside he'd never felt before. "It was good seeing you Cas." Dean said with a smile. 

Cas smiled back at him. "You too." He got out and shut the passenger door to the impala. Dean watched Cas get in his car and waited till he drove off before he pulled away with what felt like a hole in his heart and the biggest feeling of emptiness he'd ever felt. He wanted nothing more than to grab Cas and kiss him and tell him everything. The pain of losing him was surfacing again after he tried to push it way down for five years. Cas was definitely suspicious on why Dean was acting the way he was acting but he knew it was best to not tell him the truth. He had to keep his mouth shut. He ruined Cas's life once. He wouldn't do it again.


	2. "Come home with me."

The next day Dean was at work, serving drinks as he always did, but he was moving kind of slow this time. A rarity for him. He had had a bad night. He'd spent the whole night tossing and turning, thinking of Cas and what Sam had said about how he had a family now and couldn't bother with Cas anymore. He knew that's probably what he should do, but some how he just couldn't stop himself from thinking about him. It was to the point he couldn't focus on work. A few times he went to put ice in a glass, he missed, or spilled the liquor. He pushed through till the end of his shift, which was well over noon, and started to clean up for his relief. The door chimed and he glanced up from cleaning, thinking it was his relief. 

It was Cas.

"Cas." Dean said not realizing he said it out loud.   
His heart started pounding in his chest. The instant his eyes fell on him, the familiar feeling of butterflies swirled around in his stomach. Cas approached him slowly, with a serious expression on his face. 

"I thought you might be here." 

Dean gave no impression of how he was actually feeling inside. "Well yes. I work here." He replied jokingly. "Didn't you drink enough already? Or you just wanna see me?"

"Actually I was hungry." Cas said as he sat at the bar counter. 

"Oh." Dean gave him a small smile. "Well. I'm getting off here as soon as my relief shows up. Why don't we go out and catch a bite to eat. I'm starving too and the food here isn't all that great." 

"Okay. I'll wait." Cas told him. And he did. 

Fifteen minutes later they walked into an off the wall hamburger joint. It was raining hard, and dean shook his head like a dog to get the water off his face. Cas watched him and gave a soft chuckle. "What are you doing?"

Dean shrugged and smiled at him. "Water was cold."

Cas shook his head quietly laughing, and they were seated in the back at a booth. They were asked what they wanted to drink and Cas just ordered a water and Dean a beer, which was brought to them in less then a minute. Dean took a sip of the beer as Cas watched him lift it to his lips. He frowned at Dean, there was something so familiar about the way the beer bottle pressed against his lips and he turned his head at the same time to look at someone coming in the front door as it chimed. It was strange but he knew Dean was afraid of having his back turned to the door. He didn't know how he knew that but he did. His case of deja vu got worse when he knew exactly what Dean was gonna order right before he ordered it. He ordered a burger and fries, and Cas stared hard at Dean as he handed the menu back to the waiter and he looked at Cas and smiled at him. "What?" He asked him. 

"Nothing." Cas said and shook his head and took a sip of his water. 

Dean leaned forward. "So how's your step daughter?"

"She's good. She's living with Jennifer's mom for the weekend. I still can't believe what happened. I'm still not over it."

Dean's eyes became sad with sympathy for Cas. "Yeah. I understand. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. I'm still trying to understand it all. And a lot of other things that have been happening to me lately." 

"Like what?" Dean asked curiously. 

"I...I don't wanna talk about it. It's weird and I'm trying to not think about it." 

Dean nodded as their food was sat in front them. "Fair enough." Dean said as he picked up a fry and put it in his mouth. 

"How's your wife...and son right?" 

Dean nodded as he chewed and waited till he swallowed to answer him. "He's not my son. He's my step son. But yes, she's pregnant with our first child."

Cas couldn't explain it, but he felt a pain of jealousy about it, but he shook it off and nodded. "Are you happy?"

Dean's eyes snapped up to look at Cas. He didn't expect him to ask that. And why was he asking him that? "I...I don't know." He stuttered, taken back by the question. 

"What do you mean you don't know?" His blue eyes bore into his as if he was looking into his soul again.

"I mean like...it's complicated Cas." 

"What do you mean?" 

Cas was still staring at him like that and it started to make him uncomfortable as he started shifting in his seat. Why did he stare at him like that?

"Meaning I don't wanna talk about."

"You seem upset Dean...I didn't mean to..."

Dean put his hand up. "No you're okay. I'm sorry. I'm just...I don't even know. I'm just really confused at everything these past few days and I'm not sure if is what I want anymore."

He hated the fact he couldn't tell him the truth. He wanted to so badly, but he knew if he did it would change everything and he didn't wanna ruin Cas's life again. 

Cas nodded slowly and started to pick at his salad as Dean chowed down on his burger. Cas watched him and didn't realize he was smiling. Dean had mayonnaise on the corner of his mouth and Cas reached up to wipe it off but then stopped when he noticed what he was doing. It was like it was natural for him to do it, and he felt comfortable with Dean, like he'd known him for years. But they just met two days before...didn't they??

Cas cleared his throat and Dean had noticed what he had almost done and tried to pretend he didn't. 

"So what happened to your wife again?" Dean asked to break the ice. 

"That's the thing. I don't know. Her friend came knocking on my door and told me something weird."

"Weird? Like what?"

"You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me." Dean told him and leaned forward. "Weird was my specialty once."

"He told me there was an attack, and people started eating each other. Tearing each other apart. And no matter how hard they tried to shoot them it was like they wouldn't die."

"Eating each other? Like zombies?" 

Cas looked up at Dean. "Yes."

"Hmm.." Dean said thinking of what Sam had told him a few days ago, that he had ignored. "Well that's not weird at all." He told Cas sarcastically. 

"That's what I said." Cas said quietly. "Dean..."

He loved the way he said his name and the way he looked at him. There was so many things he loved about him. "Yes?"

"Do you really think their zombies?" 

Dean shook his head. "No Cas." But deep inside he did and he thought something weird was going on. "Probably some drug they dropped on them that made them go crazy. Bath salts will do that to you." He assured him. 

"I hope you're right." Cas said quietly. 

"So do I." Dean mumbled under his breath. 

"What?" Cas asked him. 

"Nothing." Dean said and went back to eating. The conversation went from his wife to Cas talking about his daughter and how beautiful she was. Then they talked about Dean's job and how he wanted to open up his own bar one day. Cas listened as Dean talked about his hopes and dreams for the future. He loved listening to Dean talk. He was mesmerized by Dean's eyes and his voice and his charisma. There was something rare and remarkable and familiar about him. What shocked him the most is how comfortable he felt around him. He didn't realize he had been smiling at him the whole time he was talking but Dean did and it gave him butterflies all over again. 

When they left the restaurant Dean and him stopped on the sidewalk as Dean lit up a cigarette. 

"You don't smoke." Cas told him and Dean turned to look at him. 

"How do you know that?" Dean asked. 

Cas looked away slowly. "I...I don't know. I don't know how I know that."

And he didn't. 

Dean grinned. "I used to not. I started a few years ago." he said as he put the cigarette to his lips and inhaled. 

"Well...good luck with your situation." Cas said softly, wondering if their paths would ever cross again. 

"Thank you Cas..." he answered. "I hope you find out what really happened to your wife." 

This time it was Cas who lowered his eyes under the intensity of Dean's gaze. It was as though they were examining him in every detail. It was an odd feeling, but as he did it, he felt irresistibly drawn to him by a force that was so familiar and impossible to resist. 

"Thank you." he whispered and Dean hugged him tightly and disappeared into his impala and drove off leaving Cas standing there watching him drive away till he couldn't see him anymore. 

As he got in his car, Cas stared out the windshield, thinking of the time he spent talking to him. There was something so familiar about him and he couldn't put his finger on it. There was something that drew him to him. His power, his strength, his gentleness, even his awkwardness had touched him in a way that seemed like he'd known him his whole life. He knew at that moment that, without question that he must have known him in the past, and what was troubling him most as he looked out the window is he knew in the past he must have loved him. 

Dean went to bed that night thinking of Cas, and the way his sad blue eyes stared back at him in the bar. He turned on his back and stared through the darkness at the ceiling, thinking of all the they had been through together in the past. All the times he had almost lost him, and all the times he had always been there for him. He had bled and sacrificed so much for him through the years. It was one of the many reasons that made him fall in love with him. He had missed him so much. For five years he wondered what he had been up to. He wondered if he had found a way to get his grace back, or if he started to remember him the slightest. Now he knew that he may not remember him, but there was still something about him that triggered something in his heart or else he wouldn't have reacted the way the did when he saw the car. He knew now also that Cas had moved on eventually after he left him that night, and had a wife and something about that hurt him inside just thinking about it. The thought of him in someone else's arms drove him crazy and made him jealous as hell. The other part of him knew that's how it had to be back then. 

Or did it?

He sat up and pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to stop the burning feeling in his eyes. He was exhausted but he knew he wasn't going to be able to sleep tonight. He got out of bed and walked sleepily into the bathroom. He turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on his face. His eyes slowly looked up into the mirror and looked at his reflection staring back at him. He really wasn't the man Cas thought he was back on the beach that night. He had given up on Cas and left because he thought it was the right thing to do. It obviously had not been cause somehow Cas ended up back in his life, and now here he was questioning every choice he had made in the past five years. He should have fought for Cas like Cas would have fought for him. He should have fought for their love, because as wrong as it might have been, it had also felt so right. The taste of his lips and the way Cas gazed up at him when he was underneath him. It was the look of an unconditional love that you only saw in movies and it made him feel so safe. It made him feel like he rediscovered himself and finally knew who he was now after all these years. 

He shut the faucet off and decided to go for a drive. He threw on a shirt over his sweat pants and grabbed his keys. He got into the Impala and began driving to the beach where he had taken Cas the night before. As he slowly parked the car, he looked out the windshield and saw someone standing on the shore, staring out at the waves. He squinted his eyes hard and looked again until he realized it was Cas. He got out of the car and slowly approached him from behind. Cas seemed startled hearing his footsteps behind him and turned to see what had made the sound. 

A smile slowly formed on his lips when he saw who it was. "Dean..."

Dean gave him an awkward smile as he came to a stop in front of him. "Hi Cas."

Cas smiled and his blue eyes seemed to light up at that second. "What are you doing here."

Dean gave a soft chuckle. "I could ask you the same thing."

Cas's smiled slowly vanished and he looked down at the ground. "To be honest, I don't know. I just needed to think I guess."

"About what?" Dean asked him concerned.   
Cas's eyes snapped up to meet Deans. "You."

"Me?" Dean gave him a shocked expression as he pointed to himself. "Why me?"

"I can't get you out of my head Dean." He began to pace, trying to put it all together in his mind. "It's like I fucking know you. There's something so familler about you. And don't tell me it was the alcohol. Cause it was wasn't." He told him pointing at him. "I don't remember part of my life before six years ago. And I swear to God your part of it. You have to be. Cause I can't erase these flashes of memories I'm having."

"F...Flashes?" Dean asked, stuttering like a child who had just been caught lying about something. 

"Yes. The other night in the car I had this flash back of you and me driving somewhere and you were laughing and I was laughing and the way you looked at me..." he stopped pacing and looked up to meet Deans eyes. Dean swallowed hard but never left his gaze. He just stood there frozen. It was like as hard as he searched his brain, he couldn't find the words or how to tell him the truth. He couldn't look at him anymore. He turned around so his back was to him and he looked up at the sky as if to ask God to save him. "So it is true..." Cas's words rang through the silence of the night and he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. He felt tears form in his eyes and he did the best he could to hold them back. He felt Cas's hand on his shoulder and he turned to look at him, tears laying in his eyes. His heart was racing and his chest was heaving in and out because he was trying with all he had not to. "Dean...tell me the truth." Cas said noticing the tears filling Deans eyes. 

"The truth is, you're an angel okay. You're an arc angel of God. And we were in love. And we used to hunt things that went bump in the night and save people. Me, you, and my brother were family. You were family. Then one night we had sex and an angel came down from heaven and took all your memories and your grace away because of it and because you were too close to me. Because of me. So I left. I left you there so I wouldn't ruin your life anymore. And that's it. That's the truth."

Cas stared dumbfounded at him. It all sounded made up but he could tell by the sound of his voice that he wasn't lying. And another reason. 

"No wonder I feel that way when I look at you. I tried to tell myself I was being crazy but I guess I wasn't." He stared so hard into deans eyes he thought he was staring into his soul again. 

Maybe he was. 

"Like what?"

"Like I look at you and I just love you. I love you Dean. And it terrifies me." 

The tears in Deans eyes fell down his cheeks finally and he couldn't stop them. "I'm sorry Cas." 

Cas looked down at the sand and then glanced his eyes back up at Dean. "It's not your fault Dean. You did what you did out of love for me. Even if I wish you would have let me make that decision for myself. But it's okay Dean. Don't fill yourself with so much guilt." 

Dean began sobbing uncontrollably. "I love you so much Cas. You don't even remember me or us." 

Cas reached a hand up to caress his cheek. Dean chocked back sobs looking into his crystal blue eyes. "But something inside me does. Or else I wouldn't be drawn to you this way, and I wouldn't keep having these flashbacks. We'll figure it out Dean."

Deans lip quivered. "We always do. We can fix this."

Cas lowered his hand and slowly nodded. "Yes" he said quietly. 

An emotion ripped through Dean. It was so strong, it knocked the breath out of him and made his chest feel like it was tightening. He reached out and grabbed Cas, sinking his fingers into the back of his hair and pressed his open mouth to his, slipping his tongue forcefully inside, showing him how much he missed him. His fingers relaxed in the cloth of Cas's shirt only to draw him closer. Cas's head arched, not an attempt to push him away, but to meet the thrust of his tongue. His lips were vulnerable to Deans when they left his. 

 

"Come home with me." Dean said against the softness of his lips. 

Cas nodded slowly. 

Fifteen minutes later, the front door to Dean's house swung open, with Dean pressing Cas against it, his mouth covering Cas's over and over. 

Dean drew Cas's skin lightly against his teeth, then soothed it with the whisk of his tongue. He nuzzled the his ear and the base of his neck. Cas's clothes were getting in the way so Dean pushed his jacket over his shoulders and pulled his sweater over his head. Dean led him inside, shutting the door behind them. He kissed cas pushing him down on his back against the couch. 

As Dean leaned over him, holding himself up with his arms, staring down into Cas's eyes, their breathing was uneven. It was the only sound in the room. He unbuckled Cas's belt buckle and pulled Cas's pants off from underneath him, and his fingers skimmed over the his hard abs, which was warm with arousal. He leaned down and circled one of his nipples with his tongue, flicking it with the tip of his tongue. 

"Dean..." Cas cried his name in pleasure. Dean buried his face in his neck and held him close while he rolled Cas above them. Dean sat up to kiss him again while Cas ripped at the buttons of Dean's shirt. Cas ran his fingers against the hard mounds of Dean's chest, dropping random kisses on his muscles. 

They changed positions again and Dean managed to get his shoes and pants and underwear off before he stretched himself on top of him. He placed a hand into the Cas's boxers, his hand covered his mound completely and possessively. With his thump he ran it gently against the tip. 

He moaned with pleasure and Dean bent his head and kissed his stomach. Removing his hand he removed his boxers and took him on his mouth. 

Clumsily he took his hand and pressed it against his erection. 

"Fuck Cas baby..." He hissed when his hand closed tightly around him. "God I fuckin missed you so much."

Cas looked up at his face and smiled at the pure joy he was giving him. Dean nudged his thighs apart and settled himself in between them. 

The smooth tip of his penis slipped between the crack of his cheeks. Dean grabbed Cas's hands and held them above his head, intertwining his fingers with his. He tried to put himself firmly inside him but he couldn't. 

He looked down at Cas with lust in his eyes. "What's wrong baby...?"

Cas's breath was choppy and his eyes fluttered to stay focused on him. "I don't remember how his felt. I'm scared its gonna hurt..." he said running his hands over his check, neck and cheeks. His finger tips traced Dean's. 

"Baby, relax. I'm not gonna hurt you. I would never hurt you." He applied a little more pressure and sank into him completely. His rigged sigh of surprise and rediscovery was the hottest sound he'd ever heard. "Christ...Cas...my Cas..." He groaned. 

He moved his hips against his with an instinct to possess and fill. He held his head between his hands. He kissed his mouth and slid one hand to stroke him softly between them. Dean's climax was fast and soul-shattering. It seemed to go on forever and it still didn't seem long enough. 

Moments later Cas's chest heaved as he came against Deans hand. Dean buried his head in Cas's neck, giving it soft kisses. "I love you baby."

"I love you Dean. I don't know how I know I do. But I do." 

Sweaty and still trying to catch his breath he rolled over so him and Cas were squished together on the sofa. He pulled Cas into his arms and held him there, running his fingers through his soft hair. "We'll figure it out baby. I'll help you."

It was the last thing Cas heard him say before he heard the soft sound of Dean snoring.


	3. "I can't do this Cas...I'm sorry"

Dean opened his eyes to the sound of birds chirping outside and the sun shining through the living room windows and onto his face. He smiled and turned his head expecting to see Cas next to him but he wasn't. 

Dean set up fast, his heart racing with panic. He swore if he ever lost him again. 

"Cas!" He got up and threw his pants on rapidly, fastening his belt. He walked through the house and into the kitchen and spotted him there. He was wrapped in Dean's robe and making coffee. 

Dean let out a sigh of relief and walked up to him, putting his arms around him from behind, pulling him tightly in his arms. "You look so sexy in my robe."

Cas smiled and turned to kiss Dean softly on the lips. "I thought I'd make coffee before I left."

"You're leaving?"

Cas nodded slowly. "I have to go to work. Life doesn't stop cause we're in love you know?"

Dean smiled gently at him. "I wish it did."  

Cas gave a soft chuckle. "I do too" 

He turned to finish making the coffee. Dean watched him and smiled to himself. This is what he wanted. Cas standing in his kitchen, making breakfast and coffee every morning, living a normal life. 

Cas poured Dean a cup and handed it to him before pouring himself one. "So what are your plans for today?"

"Well Lisa comes home today..." his voice trailed off and Cas suddenly felt like his heart dropped to his stomach. 

"Are you gonna tell her about us?" He asked him while he watched Dean take a sip of his coffee. 

"Yes. I have to." Dean said swallowing the dark strong liquid and noticing the doubt in Cas's crystal blue eyes that fell from his gaze. He reached up and touched his cheek, tilting his head to get Cas to look into his eyes again. "Hey...I love you. Know that. Okay?"

Cas slowly nodded. "I know you do. It's just so frustrating Dean. I don't remember anything of our time we spent together. I don't remember anything."

"Hey..." Dean cupped Cas's face in his hands and stared into his eyes. "We'll fix it. Ok?"

Cas nodded and sat his cup down on the counter. "I'm gonna take a shower." 

Dean watched him disappear into the bathroom and sighed to himself. He wasn't sure how he was going to tell Lisa but he knew he had to. He wasn't only hurting himself, but her and Ben as well. 

A couple hours after he kissed Cas goodbye, Lisa and Ben pulled up in the same drive way. He watched through the kitchen window and took a deep breath. He was ready. 

He went to the door and opened it as Ben ran into his arms. Dean hugged him tightly with all the affection he had in his heart for him. 

"Did you have fun with your mom?"

"Yes." He said as he looked up at him. "I spent most the time on the beach. It was so much fun." 

"That's awesome buddy." Dean told him and ruffled his hair and he ran inside to put his bag away in his room. 

Lisa walked up and touched his cheek as she kissed him gently. He smelled the familiar scent of her skin and he closed his eyes. When she pulled away she looked into his eyes. "We need to talk."

"Yeah we do." He told her and they went in the house and sat on the couch. 

"You first." Dean told her. 

"I lost the baby..." 

It felt like someone had stabbed Dean in the heart with a butcher knife. "Oh..."

Lisa's eyes filled with tears. "It was yesterday. I didn't wanna call you and tell you. I wanted you here with me." 

She fell in his arms and he embraced her and held her close against him. He caressed her back and small soothing circular motions as she cried into his chest. 

He couldn't tell her now. He couldn't even leave now. 

He kissed her head. "It's okay." He whispered in her ear. "It's okay. We'll get through this together." 

"Yeah." She looked up at him. "We can try again right?"

He looked down at her and forced a smile. "Yeah. Yeah. We can try again." He told her just to make her feel better at the moment. 

That night was another sleepless night. Lisa laid on his chest and he laid on his back staring at the ceiling again. His eyes were wide open and he wasn't even holding her. She didn't notice but he noticed. He was being torn from both sides. From being with the man he loved and hurting Lisa, or hurting Cas and hoping he'd forgive him. 

He had to tell him. 

He slowly slipped out of bed and walked out of the bedroom. He grabbed his jacket and keys and headed out of the house.  

Fifteen minutes later, Dean sat in the car outside of Cas's house in his drive way. Dean swallowed hard, and gripped the stirring wheel as he gathered up the courage to tell him, and hoping he'd understand. 

He got out and walked up to the door, giving it four good hard knocks. Cas opened it a few moments later, his hair a mess and his eyes half shut and sleepy. 

"Dean...what are you doing here right now ?"

"Can I come in?" Dean asked him, tears in his eyes. 

Cas immediately let him in when he saw the dampness in his eyes, and shut the door quietly behind them. Dean walked into Cas's living room and Cas sat on the edge of the couch and looked up at Dean as he stood there, looking handsome and buried in sadness. 

"What's the matter?" Cas's voice was soft with concern and love for him. He stared down at Cas and thought about how cute he looked in his robe that he had taken with him. He could only look at him and shake his head as he fought back the tears. He had wanted to come here and be honest with him. 

"She lost the baby..." Dean told him, tears forming in his eyes. "I can't do this Cas. I'm sorry..." 

Cas's eyes fell out of Dean's gaze and he felt a knot form in his throat. "Dean. I love you. This is ridiculous. You don't love her. Is this what you want?" 

"Yes." Dean answered him firmly, choking out the word. "I can't Cas. I'm sorry."

Cas nodded feeling guilty for the state Dean was in. "I know. It's not your fault."

He stood up and pulled Dean into his arms. Dean buried his head in his neck and cried. All he wanted was to be with him and he couldn't. It was a cruel twist of fate that they couldn't be together. He couldn't abandon Lisa now, no matter how much he loved Cas. And he loved Lisa too, but in a different way.  "I love you so much Cas....What do we do baby? What do we do?" Dean clung to him. They were lost and so obviously still in love. 

"I don't know. We'll figure it out." He held him and then he kissed him. Dean then ran a hand through his hair and sat on the couch, quickly wiping the tears from his eyes. Cas sat next to him and put a an arm around him. "It's alright Dean. Maybe we can see each other every once in awhile."

"And then what? We'll always wish we could be together. That's not a life."

"It's all we got right now. Maybe it's enough." But dean knew it wouldn't be for long. They would always want more then stolen moments and knowing they loved each other and couldn't be together. It sounded like a lifetime of torture. Cas looked at him. He looked so tormented, and unhappy. He watched him for for awhile. He touched his hair and gently stroked his face.  It was all so familiar. He had belonged to him for so many years, and Cas to him. They had so much history together, it was a powerful bond. Cas sat there holding him for a long time, until Dean opened his eyes. "I love you Cas." He whispered and Cas smiled. 

"No you don't. I won't let you." He said in a whisper back to him and Dean kissed him. They lay on the couch kissing for a long time. 

"I'm still gonna help you get your memory back."

"You've got to go." Cas whispered in reply. He nodded and tried to force himself to leave the safety of his arms, but he couldn't. He kissed him again and again. After a moment Cas didn't care if he left or not. He didn't want him to go. He knew he could tell him to go but he didn't. Instead he let Dean pull away his clothes. They made love with all the longing that they felt for each other for years. Then afterwards they fell into a deep peaceful asleep in each other's arms. 

Cas awoke to the feeling of Dean next to him. He smiled, and turned over, but Dean was not there. He knew he had left him. 

He sat on the couch for a long time, in his empty house, feeling the pain in his heart. It was an ache he had never felt before. It felt like someone took a sharp knife and jammed it into his stomach and kept pulling it up to his heart so that it ripped him apart. Tears fell from cheeks and he quickly wiped them away. He loved Dean and he knew if he loved him, he knew he had to let him go. 

Dean sat at the bar where he worked, but this time he wasn't working. He was taking shots offer shots of tequila. He tapped his shot glass and the bartender poured him another shot. Pain ripped through his heart as he tried to drink it away. Drink away the memories, the love, the hurt, the confusion. Obviously he knew he couldn't really drink it away, but it felt good to try in the moment. 

After he was so drunk he knew he couldn't walk, he picked up the phone and called Sam.  

"Dean." Sam answered. "I'm glad you called."

"Sammy. Come get me." He slurred into the phone. 

"Are you drunk already? It's only noon." 

Dean gritted his teeth. "Damn it Sam. Just come get me please. I'm at work."

"Okay." Sam said and hung up. 

Ten minutes later Sam pulled up into the parking lot of the bar. He walked into the bar and saw Dean sitting at the bar counter, staring into space. Sam approached him and sat next to him. 

"Dean. What happened to you?"

Dean shook his head, tears beginning to fall. "Cas and I...I'm still so in love with him. And Lisa lost the baby...and I can't leave her. I can't abandon her. I'm so torn Sammy and it's not fair."

Sam watched him and listened to the pain in his voice. "You're right Dean. You can't. She needs you and it's just wrong."

Dean nodded knowingly and turned his head to look at him, his face wet from tears. "Take me home Sammy."

Sam did and before he got out of the car, Sam rushed out first and helped him out. He was so drunk he could barely walk. As they walked up the drive way Dean hung on to Sam. "Lisa is gonna wonder what happened to me."

"Don't worry. I'll figure out something okay. Let's just get you upstairs to lay down." 

Sam reached into Dean's pocket and pulled out his keys and pushed the door open. He helped him inside, up the stairs, and into the bedroom where Dean collapsed on the bed and moaned. Sam sighed as he watched him, wishing he didn't have to go through this pain. It really was a cruel twist of fate that all this happened and there was nothing they could do about it. It was obvious that Dean and Cas were still very much in love. He sighed to himself and left the room to explain to Lisa what happened. Or what supposedly happened. 

Lisa stood with her arms crossed at the foot of the stairs with an angry look on his face. 

"What the hell happened to him?" 

Sam stopped when he stood in front of her. "I don't know much cause he was drunk talking to me. But from what I made out he's upset about you losing the baby."

Lisa's face softened. "Oh. Is he okay?"

"He'll be fine. Just let him sleep it off."

"He's upset?" She spat sarcastically. "He just left in the middle of the night no explanation. He hasn't been there for me once sense I told him."

Sam shrugged. "It's something you'll have to discuss with him." 

He walked around her and walked out of the house, leaving her standing there confused and angry. 

Dean woke up and stirred slightly under the covers. He looked around the room. It was dark and he didn't know how long he'd been out. His head pounded with the memory of that afternoon. But nothing compared to the memory of the pain he felt in his heart. He sat up and through his legs over the bed rubbing the back of his head. He made his way to the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face out of the bathroom sink. He walked back to the bed and sat down on the edge. As he slowly sat he noticed Lisa was asleep on the other side and he sighed in frustration. 

He hated putting her though this, but he couldn't help it. He couldn't help how he felt, or what his heart wanted. But he could help the choices he made and he promised himself he wouldn't be with Cas in that way ever again. 

He also knew he had to keep his promise though. He had to help him get his memory back. He got up and slowly walked over to the dresser he had on the other side of the room and slowly opened the drawer. He pulled out a light tan trench coat, neatly folded and tucked away. He quietly excited out of the bed room and called Cas from his cell phone. 

Cas answered on the second ring. 

"Dean..." Cas's voice was one of worry, and hurt. 

"Cas...I'm sorry I left the way I did this morning. I just can't Cas. I have no choice." He said quietly into the phone so not to wake Lisa or Ben. 

"I know..." Cas whispered. Dean could hear the hurt in his voice and it broke his heart. 

"Listen, I'm gonna swing by. I might have something at will get your memory back." 

"Alright. I'll be up..." 

Dean hung up and rushed out of the house. He pulled up to Cas's ten minutes later and he must have been watching cause he opened the door when he pulled in. He was wearing a suit and tie and Dean smiled to himself how dorky he looked in it. He approached him and looked him up and down. 

"What's with the outfit?" He asked him and Cas looked down at what he was wearing. 

"Why? Something the matter?" 

"No. You just never ever dressed like that. I'm not used to it is all." He smiled at him and Cas still looked confused. 

"Oh. Ok." Cas said and let him in. When they walked into the living room Dean handed him the folded up trench coat. Cas stared at it as he took it and narrowed his eyes. "What's this?"

"This was yours. You left it in the back of my car that night...well...you know...that night it happened."

Cas looked at Dean then back at the coat. He slowly unfolded it and put it on, pulling it straight over his shoulders. He walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror as Dean followed behind. 

"Anything coming back?" Dean asked him with hope. 

He stared at himself in the mirror, and at first nothing happened. Then it was like a bunch of electrics neurons went off in his brain at once. He grunted in pain and held on to the sink. Dean rushed to him and put his arms around him. "Baby...you okay?" 

He called him baby and he didn't care. He would always be his baby. His Cas. 

Cas took a minute to respond. He stood up slowly and faced Dean. "I remember you..." he told him. 

Dean let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding and smiled. "You do?"

Cas's eyes wondered as he thought about everything. "Yes. I remember everything now..."

Dean's smile grew wider and he grabbed Cas and hugged him tightly. Cas slowly put his arms around Dean and hugged him back. 

When he let go Cas said, "I gotta get my grace back. I don't know how, but I have too."

"Whoa." Dean said and put his hands on Cas's arms as if to hold him that spot. "One thing at a time. You just got your memory back."

"No I need to know why they did his." He told him, his voice stern. 

"And we can do that alright. But let's take it easy for a second. You're most likely overwhelmed ok? And angry. I would be too. Give yourself time to sort out your thoughts before you just go bashing in there."

Cas knew Dean was right and he slowly nodded. "It doesn't seem like something God would do. He had a boyfriend himself.  He said so."

Dean straightened himself. "I don't think it was God. He's on vacation remember? I think they are taking orders from someone else up there."

Cas sat down on the couch and rubbed his hands over his face. He looked up at Dean. "The only way I can get my grace back is to talk to the person in charge right now."

"Do you really want it back? Is that what you want? What if they try and take you away from me again. Baby I can't lose you again?"

Dean looked like a lost puppy standing there, and Cas looked away out of Dean's heartbroken gaze. 

"Were not even together Dean. You wanna be with your wife. So why does it even matter to you?"  There was bitterness and hurt in Cas's voice, and the guilt filled Dean's heart when he heard it. 

"Because I still love you. I love you with everything I have. You know that."

Cas stood up and walked over to him, his eyes searching Deans green orbs. "You love me in the same way you left me. Selfishly." 

Dean stared back into Cas's eyes and swallowed a knot in his throat. He didn't wanna cry and look weak in front of Cas, even know he knew down deep in his heart that he could never. "No." He told him, his voice cracking as he spoke. "I love you the way I lost you. Honestly. Before I met you, I hated myself. For years I never thought I was enough. I love you so much I forget what hating myself felt like." 

His voice was deep and husky with emotion as he said it, and Cas's eyes found Deans lips as he looked at the delicate shape of them, and how when Dean spoke seriously his jaw became taut. At that moment Dean was incredibly handsome, and something inside him became hungry for him. He never wanted him more then he did in that moment. 

Cas stepped toward him, and put his arms around his waist and laid his cheek against this shoulder. "Just hold me. Please." 

"Cas..." he whispered and wrapped his arms around him. He pressed his lips against the tip of his head and kissed it. He cupped his hands around Cas's face and made him look at him. 

Cas kept his eyes closed but he could feel the heat of his gaze on his face. Dean's lips brushed his, and when his separated, he murdered another low groan and kissed him deeply. 

"Touch me again Dean..." 

Dean un did the tie to Cas's pajama pants and slid his hand inside, encircling his mound with his hand and stroking it up and down softly. His thump softly stroked the tip and he could feel Deans belt buckle and bulge of his fly nudging against him. Each sensation was more electrifying then the first. 

Suddenly Cas moved away from him. He looked up at him bewildered and wide eyed, and already feeling the loss. "Dean...I have to know."

"What?"

"Have you slept with your wife since she's been back?"

"You want me to answer that now?"

"Yes I do. If you love me you will."

Dean shook his head, and gave him a soft whispery answer. "No."

After several seconds, he said "Thank god." 

He grabbed Dean by the front of his shirt and pulled him against him and kissed him hard. His breath was hot and heavy as his mouth covered Deans over and over. Sliding his hands into the back of his jeans, he eased them down and shed them away. He gave his lower body whiskery kisses and his tongue found the tip of his penis. 

"Fuck Cas," he said watching him. "Stop baby, that's killing me." 

"Get out of of that damn jacket and shirt before I tare it off." Cas told him.  

Dean slowly eased back and took off his jacket and pulled his shirt off over his head. Cas walked up and gave him small kisses on his chest, running his tongue against his dark nipples. Dean tried to catch his breath and Cas smiled against him.  "Thought you wanted to stay with your wife?"

"I lied."  

Cas pulled him down on the floor with him in front of the fire place, and pulled him against him kissing him with more tenderness then passion.  

"I'm sorry I hurt you last night."

"Shhh." Cas said tracing his features with his fingers and trying to memorize every inch of Dean's face. "It's okay Dean. You carry too much guilt about everything."

"How was I supposed to know she'd lose the baby."

"You didn't." He kissed him again softly, but then pulled away for a second. "How come you wanted to stay with her."

"Are the reasons really that important right now Cas."

"Yes. Only cause you decided to stay when I thought you wanted to be us again."

Dean hung his head.  "I didn't decide anything. It just happened."

"Any regrets?" Cas asked him and Dean kissed him again. He got his answer. 

The kiss was long and aggressive and they made love. Afterwards they lay there, both of them panting and sweating.  Cas lay on his back and turned his head to look at Dean from across the bed and smiled at him. The fires glow spread across Deans features and he didn't think he looked more handsome then he did then. 

"I still love you." He said and rolled over on his side to cuddle into Dean's warm naked body. "No matter what happens okay?"

Dean was staring at the ceiling and pulled him close. He intertwined his fingers with his on top of his chest and looked down at him. "I'm gonna tell her tomorrow?"

Cas nodded. "Good cause I need you." 

He propped himself up on one elbow and leaned in and kissed him softly. "You're my soulmate. You know that." 

Dean cupped his hand behind Cas's neck and pulled him in for a deeper kiss. He knew...he knew....


	4. "You don't want me like this•

When Dean got home the next morning, he sat in his car trying to get together the words in his mind before he told her. He had to to her now. He didn't wanna wait, and he knew she deserved better then that from him. 

He walked into the house and Lisa was standing in the middle of the living room, with her arms folded staring at him. 

"It took you that long to come in?" She snapped at him and he slowly shut thee door behind him, making eye contact with her. There was a guilt and a sadness in his eyes and she saw it. 

"Can we talk?"  He said as he walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. Lisa sat down across from him, and all he could think of as he looked at her was Cas. 

This was the worst thing he'd ever done in his life. When he left Cas years ago it had been a totally different situation then walking out on a woman who he knew loved him and taking Ben with her. But there was no excuse now. They both had to face the truth now. 

"What's going on with you Dean?" She said quietly. At that moment Deans phone buzzed in his pocket and he took it out to see who it was. 

It was Cas. He ignored it and glanced up at Lisa. She looked upset but also very much in control. 

"Lisa I've made a terrible mistake." He began. He anted to get it over with, for both their sakes. 

"I don't think we need to talk about this." She said cutting off what he was about to say. 

"Yes we do. We have to talk about it. Something's happened. Something happened while you were gone." 

He was planning on telling him he met Cas again, and as a result everything had changed, but Lisa was holding up a hand to stop him, as if she could erase what he was about to say. 

"I didn't lose the baby Dean."

Dean was at a loss for words. "W...what?" He stuttered. 

"I said that to get your attention and to see what you'd do. I could tell you haven't been wanting to be with me for quite some time. But whatever happened Dean, I don't need to know about it. In fact, I don't wanna know. It's not important. We're what's important. And Ben. Whatever you were going to say don't. I won't listen to it. We're going to shut the door and move on from it."

"But Lisa we can't." He could feel the tears filling his eyes. He was going to divorce her and marry Cas. He didn't wanna be with her anymore. And Cas wanted to marry him. He wasn't going to lose him now after all these years. But Lisa had something to say about it, and he couldn't divorce her unless she agreed. She had already made a decision about it and she wasn't about ready to let him walk all over her. 

"Yes we can. We have a family Dean. And we're gonna have more kids hopefully."

"But Lisa please...I can't. I can't do this." Their were tears rolling down his cheeks. He was in love with Cas, and he had never felt so trapped in his life. She wasn't gonna let him out, he knew, no matter what he said or did. "You have to listen to me. You don't want me like this. I'm in love with someone else." He was sobbing and her eyes were hard. 

"Were married Dean. And that's the end of it. You'll feel better about it after awhile. You'll thank me for this. You were about to make a terrible mistake. Now I'm gonna take a shower and take a nap. I'm not feeling well. And when I get out we can go to dinner. 

He looked up at her and his eyes were bleak. She got up and walked out of the room. When he heard the shower, he called Cas back. 

"What's up? Was it it bad?" He asked him, he'd been thinking about it all day and Dean told him he'd come over and explain it. 

When he did come over Cas knew by the look on his face it didn't go well. 

"It turns out she didn't lose the baby. I'm gonna stay with them. I don't have a choice." 

"What?" His eyes were filled with sadness. 

"She won't even listen to me. She won't give me a divorce. And if she does, I can't see Ben or the baby."

"She's just bluffing. She's just hurt."

"You don't understand Cas. I've never seen her like that."

"Dean. I love you." Cas told him as if that would change everything. And it should have but Dean sighed. 

"You don't understand Cas." 

"You're right. I don't. She can't deny you to see your child Dean. She can't force you to stay there."

"Cas she can. She can take me to court and say I abandoned them. I'm a guy, I don't get much say so if she takes me to court. I don't have a choice."

"I understand. I understand perfectly."  Cas walked over and grabbed his trench coat off the arm of the chair. He pulled it over him and stepped up to Dean. "I'm taking a walk. I've got stuff to take care off. When I get back, I want you gone." 

He was angry and hurt, and for good reason. He turned around and gave him one last look filled with hurt and sadness, and slammed the door behind him. Dean stared at the door and wanted to run after him but he couldn't. He knew Cas's heart was breaking and it was his fault. He was hurting him. He was hurting both of them and it wasn't fair. No she was hurting them. 

\----

Cas stood alone in a park that was down the street from him and looked up at the sky. The cold wind whipping around him. 

"Why me?"  He said out loud. "Why did you punish me and abolish me from heaven for being in love. Even our father has had many boyfriends. Why should I be any different? What does it matter if it's another man or woman? Love is love." 

At first there was silence and Cas stared at the sky for a moment. 

"Answer me!!!" He yelled. "I want my grace back damn it!" Suddenly the sky became dark and lightening filled the sky. Rain began to pour and the wind picked up. Cas almost lost his balance as he was squinting through the water drops, and trying to see what the hell was going on. 

Then there was a flash of light and Cas rose his arm up to cover his face and closed his eyes tightly. 

Then there was silence. 

Cas opened his eyes, his arm still covering his face. Right away he noticed he wasn't on earth anymore.  White walls surrounded him and it take him long to realize where he was now. He was in heavens headquarters. 

He stood up slowly and looked around. No one was around and it so quiet it frightened him. 

"Castiel." A female voice said from behind him. He turned and saw an older woman standing in front of him. She must have been new cause Cas didn't recognize her, but Cas didn't like want to anyways. She had a smirk on her face and something inside him felt she was untrustworthy. But he needed to find out how to get his grace back. 

She stuck her hand out. "I'm Hanna."

Cas looked down at her hand but didn't take it. "I want my Grace back." 

"Well." She said and withdrew her hand. "You don't waist any time. Do you? You've become very brave Castiel. Did you get that from your boyfriend?" She said sarcastically, and walked around him. 

"Stop waisting my time." He said following her into her office. "I want my grace back and I wanna know how I can get it. What do I have to do?"  
He stepped up to the desk and leaned forward so he was an inch away from her face. "Or do I just take yours to get me by till I can figure it out."

She laughed and shook her head. "Oh Castiel. You don't scare me. Believe me. If you want your grace back, you won't kill me."

"Then tell me." He said through gritted teeth. "Cause trust me, I got nothing to lose right now. I've already lost everything." 

"Yeah I heard. He dumped you. Poor thing." She sat back in her chair and stared up at him with that ugly smirk on her face he already hated. 

"He didn't dump me...we just...it's complicated...it's...it's..none of your business really. But the only reason it's complicated is because you guys took my grace, and my memory away, and with that you took him away from me."

"Well." She said drumming her fingers on the desk. "It is my business. You see, maybe we can strike a deal."

"What deal?" He asked, knowing down deep it probably wasn't good. 

"Stay in heaven and we'll give you your grace back."

Cas narrowed his eyebrows at her. "You want me to come back?" 

"You owe us Castiel. With everything that you've put us through. What you've put heaven through? The deaths you've caused. You have to choose Castiel. Us or Dean?"

"But I can't." Cas told her, his voice practically pleading with her. Tears began to form in his eyes. "There has to be another way."

"Return to heaven Castiel."

"No." Cas told her sternly. "Find another way." 

"Dean will die Castiel. Don't you get it. Do you think it was an accident your wife is dead? Didn't you think it was strange what her friend told you? Zombies are very real Castiel. And Lucifer has a plan to make a second apocalypse and take out the whole planet with them. If you stay in heaven, I will make sure he stays safe. But if not, his blood will be on your hands." 

Cas's heart was racing and his eyes wondered around the room. His mind was racing and he didn't know what to do. "I need time. I need time to decide." 

She slowly nodded. "Very well. I'll give you a day and I will meet you where you were when u contacted us at sun down. If you're not there...remember...Deans life rest in your hands. Do you understand?"

Cas stared at the desk and she cocked her head at him waiting for an answer. His eyes slowly rose up to meet hers. "Yes. Yes I understand."

She smiled. "Good."

\----

Dean sat at the dining room table trying to call Cas for the tenth time but there was no answer. He put the phone on the table and folded his hands together and rested them on his forehead with his eyes closed. He knew Cas was angry and probably didn't wanna hear from him anyways. He wouldn't wanna hear from him either. 

Then there was a knock at the door and he jumped up to answer it. Through the plated glass at the top of the door Dean could see Cas's figure. His heart began to beat fast as he opened it and he smiled from ear to ear. 

"Cas. I've been trying to call ..."

"We need to talk." Cas interrupted him. "Is there a place we can go privately?" 

Dean's smile slowly vanished and he nodded. "Yeah sure." 

Dean grabbed his coat and they headed out. They took a walk along the river behind Dean's house and Cas waited till they got further down before he started talking. 

"I've been thinking...you're right." Cas told him as they walked. "I can't take you out of your marriage and cause you a risk of losing your child. You have a family now."  

Dean stopped and Cas stopped too and faced him. Dean's eyes began to fill up with tears and his voice cracked. "What is wrong with you Cas?"

Cas saw the tears and it tore at his heart strings, but he turned so he didn't have to see them. "It's just something I won't do." 

"Cas what the hell are you talking about? This isn't you. You don't do this. You don't walk away. You fight. You fight for me, you fight for us. Whatever is going on, just give us some time okay? We can fix this."

Cas turned to face him. "Heaven wants me to come back. I talked to Hanna. And they've given me an ultimatum. Either I return to heaven or you die in the undead apocalypse."

Now Dean was more confused then ever.  "What the hell are you talking about?" Dean could see the guilt in his eyes and could tell he was in great pain. All Cas had been able to think about was Dean being ripped and torn to shreds by an undead person, and all because of him. It was more then he could stand. It was agonizing for Dean, desperately trying to cling on to him. 

"We need to let each other go and forget each other."

"No! I won't...I won't lose you again. I'll just pack up and leave her. I need you." Dean said through his tears and clinched teeth. 

"It's just another lie Dean."

"No." The tears were coming down now. 

"I shouldn't be here. I have to go." Cas said and pushed past Dean. 

"Cas!" Dean called after him. "Cas!" 

But Cas wasn't listening, and he disappeared into the woods, leaving Dean standing there watching him. 

And as Dean returned to the house, he stood still for a second trying to take in what happened and take in what Cas told him. He walked over to his desk and leaned forward on it bracing himself with his hands. He closed his eyes and tears began to fall as he tightened his grip on the edge of the desk. All of a sudden, he was beginning to grow full of rage. He stood up and knocked the computer off the desk. Then the papers. Then his desk phone. Then his pictures. It all shattered on the floor in a rush of fury. 

He sat at the kitchen table later that night, drinking straight out of a bottle of tequila, as he quickly wiped the tears away in between. He should have never told him the truth. He wouldn't have gone looking for his grace and this wouldn't have happened. He'd still have him. 

And Cas didn't know any better. He thought he was doing the right thing. Typical Cas. That night he returned to heaven. And Hanna smiled when she saw him because she knew she had won. Whatever the price.


	5. "I'll do whatever I can to get him back."

Dean had packed up his things the next day and left to stay with Sam. It was something he should have done in the first place instead of losing Cas. Now Cas was gone and he couldn't do anything about it. He would face the  consequences of leaving if he had to. He wasn't abandoning anybody, he just wasn't happy anymore. And he wasn't gonna stay with someone who made him feel trapped. 

As he walked into the bunker him and Sam used to share so long ago, he smelled the familiar smell of Sam's coffee. Sam walked out of the kitchen and saw Dean standing there and hugged him. He could tell Dean was broken. He looked numb and there was a sadness in his eyes he couldn't touch. 

"I'm back Sammy. I'll work with you on this case. It's the only reason Cas left, and I need to find out what's going on. I'll do whatever I can to get him back."

Sam smiled, happy with what he just said. "Good. I'll get you some coffee. Let's do some research." 

Dean nodded with a small grin and went upstairs to put away his stuff. As he walked down the long hall way, he stopped in front of Cas's old room. He slowly opened the door and and felt a sadness so deep he thought he would drown in it. 

The room was empty. 

He stepped inside and picked up the cassette tape off the desk he'd given him and smiled. It was full of old classic rock songs that Cas seemed to love to hear when he was driving with him. "God Cas, I need you." He said out loud and looked around and sighed, blinking a few times to push past the tears and walked out. He couldn't look at it anymore. 

He went downstairs and sat down with his I pad and started scrolling through the news, to see if anything weird or zombie like had been going on. Sam came into the room and handed him a hot cup of coffee, which Dean took. 

"Thanks." He said and sipped it. 

Sam sat across from him and sipped his own. "So what did Cas exactly say to you?"

Dean looked up at him. "What? You mean the part where he said they gave him an ultimatum. He return to heaven or I die in a zombie apocalypse.  Or the part where he told me he couldn't be with me cause he didn't want to ruin my life and get my kids taken away."

Sam looked at him with a concerned expression.  "Both." 

Dean shook his head in frustration. "Can we just get to researching? I don't want to talk about it." 

"He just thought he was doing what was best for you Dean."

"Yeah he seems to be good at trying to do what's best for me." His voice was full of bitterness and hurt. 

"You did it when you left him five years ago. You can't really say anything." 

"Sam." Dean shot him a look of irritation. "Shut your face okay. I don't need relationship advice right now. I'm done talking about it. Right now I just want him back."

"Okay okay." Sam said and opened his lap top. 

Dean sighed and went back to his I pad. They researched all day and still didn't find anything. Around eight o clock Sam looked up and closed the computer frustrated, letting out a huge breath as he did so. "There's nothing. Nothing on Cas's wife's situation or what even happened there. Something is going on."

"You think?" Dean replied back but didn't look up from his computer. Then his eyes fell on something in the screen. A video that was captioned "Man comes back from dead." He clicked on it and it began to play. Sam could hear the video and the sound of gunshots and people screaming. Then it was over and he watched Dean sit back in shock. "What the hell?" Dean said out loud. 

"What is it Dean?" Sam's eyes were narrowed into confusion. 

Dean rubbed his eyes and ran a hand down his chin as he tried to piece together what he just saw. "This man was dead. And the paramedic was trying to check his pulse. Then the man literally set up and bit his face off, and then he got up and went for everyone else standing there. The police kept shooting him but he literally...would not die. I've never seen anything like that."

"Let me see." Dean turned the computer and let him watch the video. Sure enough, what Dean said was true. The man would not die, until he finally was shot in the head by one of the police officers. Sam lifted his head and looked at Dean. "Gun shot wound to the head." 

"Brain trauma?" Dean asked him. 

Sam sat back and tried to wrap his brain around it. "Some sort of virus. Or..."

"Or flipping zombies. Like what the hell is going on." Dean said, blinking a few times in disbelief. 

Sam swallowed hard and handed him back his I pad. "I don't know."

Dean scrolled trough the comments. "This happened in California." 

"That means whatever it was overseas, has reached here." Sam said out loud thinking hard at the same time. 

"That's as good a guess as any."

"So...who do we talk to about this? It's not like the government is gonna tell us anything."

Dean sat back in his chair and ran a hand over his five o clock shadow. "I have no Idea."

Sam thought for a minute. "I have a buddy who lives in Oklahoma, who is US military. He's in the army. Isn't that where Cas's wife served."

"Yeah. So." He shrugged. "What makes you think he'll tell us anything." 

"I don't. But it's a shot. It's as good as lead as any." 

Dean sighed and rubbed his eyes. "All right. We go tomorrow morning then."

"Alright. I'm gonna get some sleep then. You gonna be okay?"

Dean nodded slowly without looking at Sam. Deep down he knew his heart was breaking. Cas would never break up with him like or take off, unless someone was manipulating him to thinking he was making a right choice. Dean wasn't mad at Cas. He was mad at himself for letting him go the first couple times. 

He gave Dean a small smile and got up giving Deans shoulder a small squeeze before he went upstairs to go to bed. Dean looked up at the front door and visioned Cas coming through the door in his dirty trench coat, leaning over the banister smiling at him. A breath caught in his chest. Eve though he knew he was just visioning it, it was almost too real.  He sighed and drank the last of his beer before heading upstairs to go bed. 

The next morning Dean was woken up by three knocks on his door. At first through his blurry vision he thought he'd seen Cas standing there in the crack of the door, but after he blinked away the sleepiness all he saw was Sam wearing a pair of tan pants and blue plaid t shirt with his tan jacket over it. "Time to hit the road. Coffee is down stairs." He said and left him there to get ready. 

Dean turned his face into his pillow and groaned. He hated waking up early. He always needed his four hours, but last night he had been up late tossing and turning. He kept thinking he was seeing Cas everywhere. At one point he thought he heard him say his name somewhere in the darkness of the room. He kept telling himself it was a dream but now he wasn't even sure.  

He got up and went in to take a shower. He bent his head and let the hot water pour over it. He ran both hands through it as he closed his eyes and let his whole body relax. 

When he stepped out and quickly got dressed in a brown shirt and jeans he walked out into the kitchen to see Sam sitting at the table reading the paper as he usually did. Dean went straight to the coffee and poured himself a cup. "So, whose this friend of yours?" He asked him as he turned around to face him and took a sip. 

Sam looked up from the newspaper at Dean. "Oh um...his name is John. Him and I met a while back in high school. We kept in touch."

"Oh so he knows how much of a weirdo you are."

Sam rolled his eyes and gave a chuckle of sarcasm. "Yeah I guess so. He joined the army when he graduated."

Dean nodded and took a sip of his coffee, his eyes a sadness in them Sam could not touch. 

Sam cleared his throat and glanced up at Dean. "Dean, he misses you. I know he does. Wherever he is. I'm sure he did this just to protect you."

Dean looked at Sam, the lines between his eyes coming together as he frowned. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Come on Dean. I could hear you moving around in your bed all night. You barely slept. Don't try and put up this wall again. You always do this. Cas broke up with you. It hurts. I know it does."

"I said I don't want to talk about it!" Dean snapped his eyes back up to look at Sam as he rose his voice sternly. 

Sam decided to shut his mouth and change the subject. He grabbed his coffee. "Okay. So let's get on the road."

As he walked out the door Dean stood in the middle of the kitchen staring into space. His thoughts raced about Cas and how much he missed him. He missed his touch, his lips, his voice, but most of all he missed his smile. He shouldn't have been so stubborn and known where he belonged right away. He belonged with Cas. He belonged in his arms. He belonged with Sam and him both, doing what he did best. Hunting. It had its moments but as mush as he said he didn't love it, he did. Just like as much as he tried to tell himself he didn't love Cas way back...he did...God so much. He grabbed his keys and headed out the front door, his heart feeling emptier then it had ever felt. 

Dean slowly pulled into Johns driveway thirty minutes later, Sam in the passenger seat looking out the window, trying to see if he saw Johns car. He spotted it parked alongside he curb next to the house. 

"Thank God he's home." Sam said as they both got out at the same time shutting their doors in sync with each other. 

"I hope this guy knows something." Dean said squinting from the sun in his face. 

"Oh I know he does. He'll know something at least." Sam said as they both walked up to the front door. 

Dean looked at Sam. "I hope you're right. I want my boyfriend back." 

Then he knocked three times loudly and rang the door bell twice. John answered a second later, opening the door with a confused expression at who was so aggressive with the door but then smiled widely at Sam. 

"Sam!" He shouted and hugged him tightly. Dean watched uncomfortably, not knowing what to say or do at that point. When John let go he looked at Dean. "Whose this?"

"This is my brother Dean."

John shook his hand as he gripped it tightly. "Really good to meet the brother he talked about so much."

Dean smiled. "It's good to meet you too. He didn't talk about you as much I'm afraid."

"Well, we moved around a lot. Come in please. Want a beer?"

They stepped into the house and John closed the door behind them. "Yes please." Dean said looking around the house while John went off to go get the beers. The house was beautiful and you could tell he had a lot of money just by the decorations and expensive art work. 

When he returned Dean smiled at him as he handed him the cold bottle. "Nice house." He said and he meant it. 

"Thanks. That's what secret service salary does for you." He smiled back as he handed Sam the other. "So what brings you boys in town?"

"Secret service?" Dean repeated shocked. "So do you know anything about what's been going on over seas and the incident in California."

Fear crossed Johns eyes and Dean caught it right away. "That's classified. We're not allowed to talk about it."

"Okay. We'll see. We're hunters. And are trained to deal with this sort of thing. More then you are." Dean was beginning to get angry and you could hear it in his voice. 

"This isn't something supernatural. This is something top secret. I don't know much cause they don't tell us much. And I could get killed for telling you this stuff."

"No ones gonna find out John." Sam said. "You're secrets safe with us."

John sighed.  "Okay. Well. Like I said. They don't tell us much. All I know is that it was an accident that happened. An experiment that they were doing that went wrong. It's a virus that attacks the brain stem and when you die it wakes up and makes the person...well...not alive again but...able to walk around. Their still dead but their brain only functions on the need to feed. Hunger. It's what drives them. Not really to kill, but to feed."

Dean and Sam stared at John in disbelief. "So what was the experiment for that went wrong?" Sam asked. 

"To make someone come back to life again. It just went wrong."

"Well. That's what you get when you try to play God." Dean said sarcastically. 

"I guess you could say that. Anyways. They say they got it under control."

"Yeah well...I doubt that. If they had it under control it wouldn't be in California right now." Dean said just as a young girl stepped into the room. She looked to be about Sam's as well, maybe a little younger. Brown hair and green eyes that almost matched Dean's.  Dean took in a breath, exhausted from no sleep the night before. He looked over at Sam and stopped short when he saw the look on his face as he stared at the girl. Dean looked at the girl again and back at Sam. He definitely could tell Sam was hooked on something about her. Sam never looked at anyone like that before. 

"This is my sister Jennifer." John said, realizing she had come into the room. "Jenny this is the Winchesters."

Sam put his hand out and shook hers as he smiled brightly at her. "I'm Sam." 

"I've heard of you guys." She said politely as she smiled back at Sam. 

Dean pointed to himself. "Oh you've...you've heard of us."

She nodded. "Yeah. You're famous everywhere. You're hunters right?"

Sam and Dean shared soulful looks for a minute before Sam kind of chuckled. "Yeah but how do you know who we are?"

"Let's just say, I'm into that kind of thing."

Dean shrugged as he looked at Sam. 

"Jenny here wants to be a hunter, but I won't let her." John said. "We lost our parents to a car accident years ago and she's my only family I have left."

Dean and Sam both nodded and understanding. 

"I see." Sam said still smiling at Jenny. 

Dean rolled his eyes and looked back at John, handing him his empty beer bottle. "Well thank you for your time. You're information helped us out a lot."

"Good. Always willing to help you guys. Just keep it between us please."

"Well do." Dean said giving him a half forced grin before heading out the door with Sam following right behind him. As they walked down the porch steps Dean stuffed his hands in his jean pockets and sighed. 

"What?" Sam asked him, noticing the look on his face. 

"What was with you in there? You got all goo goo eyed at that girl."

"Who? Jenny?"

"Oh now you're on a first name basis with her now?" He asked sarcastically as he opened the car door. 

Sam opened his side door but leaned forward with one arm on top of the car. "Dude, what's your problem?"

Dean stood there and sighed. "I'm sorry. I just miss him Sam." 

Sam's eyes suddenly filled with sympathy for him. "I know Dean. I'm sorry." 

Dean didn't reply. He just got into the drivers seat and shut the door. Sam sighed and got in the car too. As he shut the door he looked at Dean who looked so broken sitting next to him. "He'll come back. He always comes back. Cas isn't going anywhere. You know that."

Dean sniffed and swallowed back tears as he turned on the radio. He started the car and pulled out of the drive way.

Later that night Dean and Sam sat at the table and started to do more research. The thing was...no one was talking about it. Not the news. Not the media. Nobody. Dean found it very odd how hush hush the whole situation was. 

Just as Dean was about to close the computer, the sound of wings flapping and a gust of wind filled the room. Sam looked up and his eyes widened. Dean turned around and saw Cas standing behind him with a sweet apologetic look in his eyes. 

"Cas." Dean said and pushed his chair back so fast he almost tripped over it. He grabbed Cas, pulling him into his arms and kissed him hard. His soft lips hovering over his, moving in a gentle but passionate motion. His hand tugging at the back off Cas's hair. 

Sam cleared his throat and the sound made them break apart, both of them trying to catch their breath. 

"This is awkward in front of your brother." Cas said swallowing hard, still trying to catch his breath. He looked down at Deans lips as he said it. Feeling his soft lips on his still. Still tasting him. 

"Cas." Sam said and stood up to hug him. After they let go Dean touched Cas's cheek. He couldn't get enough of touching him. He wanted him to know how much he missed him. 

"Baby...what are you doing here? I thought...."

"Yeah I know." Cas said as he looked at Dean. "I wasn't going to leave you. I saw how broken you were and I realized that you need me. If anyone's going to protect you against anything, it's gonna be me."

"What about heaven? And the ultimatum?"

"I've dealt with that. Don't worry about that. I made my decision." 

Dean began to stare at him sternly. "Cas. What did you do?"

"Dean I said don't worry about it!" Cas snapped and Dean and Sam both jumped at Cas raising his voice. "I did what I had to do. I fought for us. Just like you wanted me to. Like I always do. Like you never did when you walked out on me five years ago."

His words felt like a dagger to Deans heart as soon as they left his lips. Dean's eyes fell to the floor for a second and then he looked at Sam. "Well I'm gonna get some sleep. Goodnight Sam." 

Dean turned and went upstairs and Sam sighed as he looked at Cas. "Really Cas."

Cas opened his mouth to say something to defend himself but he couldn't.  He knew he was in the wrong. "I...I'll go apologize to him."

"Yeah. Good boy." Sam said with a smile and patted his shoulder a few times before sitting back down to do some more research. 

Cas went upstairs and knocked gently twice on Deans door. He slowly opened it after he didn't answered to see Dean sitting at his desk on his lap top. "What." He said blatantly.  

"Dean I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I..."

"Yes you did. It's fine." He looked up at Cas. "I know I fucked up. Many times. I shouldn't have left you. I thought I was doing the right thing."

"So did I. But I know I love you. And I know leaving you is not the answer. We're family. And we'll always figure it out. We'll fix it. We always do. Right?"

Dean looked up at him. "Yes."

Cas gave him a puppy dog look and his Deans heart felt like it melted. "Baby. Come here." Cas said holding his arms out. Dean stood up and Cas stepped toward him and took him in his arms. He rubbed his back and when he pulled away he stared into Dean's eyes. "I'm sorry i even thought about leaving you."

Dean cupped Cas's face in his hands and stared at him seriously. "I'm sorry too baby. Never again. No matter what."

And he kissed him hard, pressing his lips hard against his. His perfect butterfly shaped lips pressing against his. Cas smiled into the kiss and Dean nibbled at Cas's bottom lip smiling as well, as he walked with him backwards toward the bed until they both fell onto the mattress and became entangled in the sheets. 

Sam heard the mattress springs moving and the sounds of them moaning in pleasure in his room next to Deans. He sighed and covered his face with the pillow, but glad his brother was happy again at the same time. He couldn't help but to think when would he be happy like that. 

When Sam woke up he immediately went to the kitchen to make coffee. He heard the the sound of soft music as he made his way and stopped short when he saw Dean and Cas dancing slowly in the middle of the kitchen. Dean's hand were on Cas's waist and Cas's were wrapped around his waist. He smiled at how Dean's shoulder rest gently on Cas's shoulder and how peaceful he looked. He tiptoed back to his room quietly, leaving them to their private moment, thinking about how deeply in love Dean was, and wondering if one day he'd ever have that again. Then his mind started to drift to Jenny and he smiled at the thought.


	6. "I think I might be falling for you."

The next week Cas started coughing and sneezing. He didn't feel well at all and Dean felt his forehead and noticed he was burning up. 

Sam narrowed his eyebrows at Dean as he leaned over Cas on the couch. "Is he?"

Dean looked up at Sam and nodded. "Extremely."

"I assure you I'm fine." Cas said pulling he blanket up close to his chin. His nose was bright red and his eyes were puffy and red. 

"I thought angels don't get sick." Sam asked seriously. 

"Sam. I don't have my grace. I'm practically human." Cas replied. 

Dean sat next to Cas and pulled him into him. Cas rested against Dean's chest and nuzzled into his underarm. Dean ran his fingers through his hair and Cas began to close his eyes. 

"But you flew in here like you had ur mojo back a couple days ago?" Dean asked him as he kissed the top of his head. 

"I stole someone's. I don't have my full grace back. I don't even know who has it. And to be honest...is it bad that I don't want it back?" He lifted his head to look at him. 

"Why Cas?" He said still running his fingers through his hair, gently racking his finger nails against his scalp. 

"I want to be human. I want to feel what you feel. I want to feel you and all those pleasurable feelings when we make love. Your touch. Your kiss. As an angel I...I don't get to experience any of that."

"Cas...you gave up your wings didn't you?"

Cas let his eyes fall to look at the empty couch seat next to them. "I killed Hanna and stole her grace to get back."

Dean and Sam's eyes widened in surprise but a part of them wasn't surprised. Cas looked up at Dean again, shivering from the chills he was getting. "I wanted to get back to you baby. I couldn't trust that they would actually protect you in whatever is coming. I needed to protect you." 

He started coughing and Dean pulled him close against his chest. "Alright alright. I love you baby. But you can't protect me being sick. Rest." Dean pushed his hair back off his forehead and kissed him there. He was clammy and sweaty but his body was hot to the touch. 

"I'm gonna go pick up some chicken soup and aspirin from the store." Sam said. 

"Good idea. We're out of beer. Pick some up too well you?"

Sam nodded, grabbed his coat off the chair and headed out the door. 

Dean rubbed Cas's arm over the soft gray blanket to keep him warm. "Baby lay down. I'll hold you."

Cas nodded, still shivering from the chills and slowly laid down. Dean laid down behind him and wrapped him in his arms. "I don't understand how you humans deal with this. This is miserable."

"It's just a cold Cas. You know you can get comfortable and take this coat off." Dean suggested. But Cas was already asleep at that point. Dean smiled to himself and closed his eyes and drifted into his own dream world. He probably wouldn't take his the coat off anyways. He loved that thing too much. 

At the store Sam walked down the aisle that had canned soup and searched for chicken noodle. When he spotted it he grabbed a few cans and put them in the small basket he was carrying. Then he grabbed aspirin and cough medicine as well. As he made his way toward the beer, he spotted Jenny standing there looking at all the different choices of beer. 

Sam smiled at the sight of her and approached her. "Hope the beer isn't for you?" 

Jenny looked up at Sam and smiled widely when she saw who it was. Her eyes lit up and she raised her eyebrows at him. "Sam. Small world. What brings you here? Shouldn't you be out hunting something or saving someone."

Sam laughed. "You know I do live a normal life too."

"Hmmm." She gave him a small half grin. "Thought that was impossible."

"Not in my case. We do our best balancing it out. I'm here just getting some chicken soup for a friend whose really sick with a bad cold." 

"That's really sweet of you." Her eyes gazed over him and he felt butterflies in the pit of his stomach at the way her eyes glazed over him. 

"Yeah. Well. I'm here getting beer too. So it's not all for him." He chuckled and she nodded in understanding. He licked his lips nervously. You know speaking of beer, would you like to go for a drink?"

"Right now ?" She said looking around for a second feeling nervous as well, and she didn't know why. She was attracted to Sam and she didn't want to be. She had been hurt so many times in the past, she had a wall built up around her. There was a gentleness about Sam though, that made her feel not only comfortable, but safe. 

"Yeah. I mean...only if you want to." Sam put a hand up as if to say it was all up to her. 

She smiled at him sweetly and nodded. "Okay."

"Great. I just need to drop this stuff off and we can go. If you don't mind riding along with me. I just really gotta get this to my friend Cas." 

She shook her head. "Of course not." 

Sam smiled and stared into her eyes as if he was lost in them. "Great."

"Aren't you gonna get your brother his beer?"

Sam snapped out of it. "Oh yeah. Of course."

He opened the fridge and grabbed a six pack of Miller and they headed to the check stand. 

Dean was sound asleep, his head cradled into Cas's neck and shoulder when Sam came in and woke him up. He turned his head and looked at Sam as he walked into the kitchen. "Did you get the beer Sam?"

"Yes Dean. The soups here too and whatever medicine I could find. You'll have to make it. I'm going out for the night."

Dean sat up and yawned as Cas gently stirred beneath him. "Going where?" But then he saw Jenny standing in the doorway. His eyes widened and he rose his eyebrows in knowing. "Oh."

"Were just going for a drink. I'll be back soon." 

Dean nodded slowly staring at Jenny as she waved to him from where she stood. Dean waved slowly back and with that Sam left shutting the door behind him. "Wait! Are you taking my car!?" He shouted out but there was no answer except for the sound of the impala's engine rumbling and pulling out to the road against the gravel and dirt. "Awesome." He said out loud. 

"He'll be fine Dean." Cas said quietly from where he lay next to Dean. 

"I...I know that." He said as he looked down at him. 

"I can feel your emotions you know. I may not have my mojo or whatever you call it but I can feel what your feeling. It's just the connection we have. I did claim you when I pulled you out of hell." He said as he turned onto his back and looked up at him. 

Dean ran a hand through his hair. "I know. I just don't trust anyone. Ya know?"

"I'm sure Sam can handle himself." Cas said as he sat up and coughed. 

"You sure about that?" He said as he looked at the door where Sam just left out of. 

"Yes I'm sure. He's gotta grow up sometime. Beside. I don't feel any bad vibes coming from that girl. She seems sweet."

"Yeah. I guess." Dean said and Cas coughed again and Dean patted his back. "Let me see if I can find some cough medicine." 

He got up off the couch and Cas laid back down feeling miserable as ever. His body hurt and he felt cold and hot at the same time. He still couldn't understand how humans dealt with this feeling. He'd almost rather die then feel like this. 

Sam and Jenny sat at a bar talking quietly as two beers were slid across to them. Jenny took a drink of hers as Sam watched her, gently caressing the bottle with his finger tips. "So...why are you even single? You're beautiful. Smart. Have a gorgeous smile."

She laughed and looked at him as she ran a hand through her hair and pushed it back. "Smooth Sam."

"No. I'm serious."

She looked at his soft expression and her smile faded. "Because I've been hurt before. And I don't want a relationship right now. I'd rather be alone then be hurt again. All relationships are is drama and pain and heartbreak."

"I don't know about that. My brothers in one. And he's so in love it makes me sick. They don't seem to have drama." Then he thought for a second about the night before. "Well...I mean...they argue like a married couple sometimes but they love each other so much it just makes everything okay again. Know what I mean? Maybe it's about finding the right person."

She sighed. "And going through a ton of pain along the way. Yeah. No thank you."

Sam looked down at his beer and then took a sip. She turned her body toward him on the stool and looked at him seriously. "What about you? You're single. Why? You're handsome. Sweet. Charming. Gentle. Kind."

"I don't know about all that." He chuckled.

"You are. So why?"

Sam sighed and then shrugged. "I don't know. I guess the life I live. I never had time. And it complicates things. No one would understand. I've fallen for someone in the past but I always knew this job would always choose me even if I chose her."

She glanced down and then back up at him. "What if you find a fellow hunter who understood and lived the life with you?"

He shrugged again. "I don't know. I guess...I guess then I would. Yeah sure."

She took a sip and he smiled at her as he watched her. "I never thought I'd meet a beautiful girl who can drink beer like that." 

"How did I drink it?" She laughed at him. 

"Like a man." They both laughed. 

"Well. What can I say? I grew up raised by my big brother so..." 

"No I love it." He said as he put a hand over hers on the counter, his eyes admiring her. "It's really attractive."

"Oh you think that's attractive. Watch this." She said and signaled for the bartender. When he came over to them she ordered them four shots of whiskey each. 

"Whoa. I don't drink whiskey like that usually. My brother does." 

"Just tonight Sam. Live a little."

He laughed nervously as she started to take her small sweater off. The shots were poured in front of them and he watched dreading the headache in the morning. 

"Okay. You ready. The rule is you have to take all four shots in four min. Can you do it?"

At first Sam went to say no but then something inside became competitive. "Are you saying you can beat me at this?"

"Well...yeah." She said as she smirked at him. 

He laughed at her and signaled the bartender. "How about this? I'll double it. Eight shots in eight minutes."

"Whoa. Someone's a big boy now."

"Oh I can drink. I just don't like to. But let's do this."

"Oh is that a challenge." She said playfully as the bartender poured four more shots each in front of them. 

He held one of the shot glasses up. "That's a challenge"

Then he took the shot and then grabbed the next one and took it. He made it through six of them by the time she got to seven. He stopped for a second and swallowed the vomit he felt coming up for a second. After it went away he took the next two shots before she finished her last one. It had almost been a tie but he won it and he raised both arms in the air after slamming down the last shot glass. 

"I did it!" He yelled and she looked at him in surprise. 

"I gotta hand it to you. You can really drink?" She laughed at him feeling the affects of the alcohol. 

"I told you. I come from a long line of alcoholics so it's not a surprise I can drink." He waved his hand as if it wasn't a surprise to him he won. 

"Do you really?" She asked him. She wanted to know everything about him. 

"Yeah. My dad drank a lot. My brother drinks a lot." He shrugged. "Eh it's whatever." 

"Your brother and you seem close." She smiled sweetly at him. 

"We are. We've had our moments but I think it's made our relationship that much stronger. We've been through a lot him and I." 

She glanced down at the bar counter and back up at him. "Yeah. Me and my brother are the same way. He'd give his life for me." 

He nodded slowly. "Yeah. Mine sold his soul for me once. Went to hell for me. Was tortured for months. According to him down there time is different and was like forty years." He shook his head as his eyes began to tear up thinking about it. He didn't know if it was the effects of the alcohol or just how talking about it made him emotional. 

She rubbed his back. "He really loves you."

"I know." Sam said and took a drink of his beer. 

She watched him and smiled. "Let's get out of here."

Sam turned his head and looked at her. He glanced down at her lips and couldn't resist the urge he had at the moment to kiss her. He cupped her cheek in his hand and leaned in pressing his lips gently against hers. Their lips moved gently in sync with each other and it surprised him when she didn't resist his kiss. She kissed him back with as much as passion as he had. When he pulled away, he could tell in her eyes she didn't regret it and neither did he. She smiled in the dim bar light where they sat and without thinking she reached up and touched his cheek. The gesture brought tears to his eyes. No one had touched him like that since Jess, he had almost forgot what it felt like. 

"I think I might be falling for you. Is it possible for me to love a girl in a life like this and have something good come of it." He didn't see how, and yet there was an intensity between them. 

"I don't know." She looked sad for a moment. 

"Cas says there's a situation where I might have to protect them coming. But I wanna protect you too."

She glanced away and then back at him. "Just don't die. And don't leave me. That's all I ask." 

He chuckled and smiled. "Okay. Deal."

"Then it's settled." She said and ran a hand through his shoulder length hair. His green eyes stared into hers and he leaned into kiss her again. 

There was a loud noice coming from down stairs and Dean sat straight up in bed. Cas was sound asleep, breathing through his mouth cause he couldn't breath through his nose he was so congested. He didn't even stir from the noice, he was knocked out from the NyQuil Dean gave him earlier. Dean reached for his gun under his pillow and slowly got out of bed. Cas still didn't move but snored slightly. He padded his way across the bedroom floor and opened the bedroom door a small crack and listened. 

He heard Sam whispering and a girl giggling. Then his bedroom door shut and Dean gave a sigh of relief that it wasn't anything crazy. He wasn't in the mood for it. 

He walked back to the bed and sat the gun on the nightstand and slipped back under the covers next to Cas. He turned and pulled Cas into him and closed his eyes, but they shot right back open when he heard Sam groaning and the mattress springs from the other room. He turned on his back and sighed as he stared at the ceiling. It got louder and Dean covered his ears and gritted his teeth. This was not what he wanted to hear and he wished the walls were thicker. He got up and made his way down stairs to the kitchen and figured he'd do some research since he couldn't sleep. He poured a small amount of whiskey into a glass and sat down in front of his lap top. He opened it and ran a hand down his face as the small screen lit up. He sipped his whiskey and got into the internet. 

Daylight came streaming through the windows around six in the morning and Dean had fallen asleep with his head on his arm on top of the table. He was awoken by someone gently nudging his arm. 

"Dean." Dean lifted his head up to see Sam standing there. "You slept here all night?"

Dean groaned and rubbed his eyes as he licked his lips and sat up straight. "Yeah well I couldn't sleep with all that racket last night."

Sam tried to play it off like he didn't know what he was talking about. "What racket?" Dean glared at him and Sam gave him an innocent look. "What?"

"I know Jenny slept over last night Sam. What did you do sneak her out?"

"I um...yeah." Sam said stuttering. 

"Why? You know these walls are thin right?"

Sam chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Trust me. I know. I don't need to tell you how many times I've heard you and Cas."

He then went to make coffee and Dean turned his body to look at him. "That...that's different."

"Not much different Dean." He said putting water in the coffee pot and Dean ran a hand through his hair. 

"So what...you like this girl?" 

Sam nodded and looked at Dean. "I do. A lot."

"You know we can't have a normal life right. It makes it hard to have a normal relationship and the white picket fence and a family and you know, the American dream."

"It can't be that hard. You and Cas are just fine." Sam said pointing upstairs to where Cas was still sleeping. 

"That's different. He lives this life too. Jenny is just a normal girl. She's no different then the innocent girls we save everyday."

"She understands my life. She actually wants to be a hunter Dean."

"No." Dean put his hand up. "No no no. We are not training her to live this life. She has a chance to live a normal life and get a Norma job and have a family. She does not need mixed up in this."

"So did I. But you dragged me back in it and you didn't seem to care." 

"Oh I didn't care." Dean stood up and faced Sammy. Arguing with him was not what he wanted to do this early in the morning but what he said just really pissed him off. "Rather or not I hadn't have come by, Jess would have died regardless. You know that. And if I recall it was you who made the choice to come with me after it happened. You didn't have to. And you can leave anytime." He rose his voice and Sam swallowed hard cause he could see the hurt in his eyes. 

"Dean I didn't mean it like that."

"Oh you did. Don't try and sugar coat this alright. You meant it. You still hold that grudge against me and I can't believe that. It's been years Sammy. No ones stopping you. You can leave."

"No I don't want leave. I just want you to realize I can do this. I can balance this. Especially if she wants in."

"I won't train her Sam. I won't do it. I won't ruin her life just cause you had a case of puppy love alright. We have something real big coming up and according to Cas, I might die. So I won't pull her into that."

"She could help us. We need all the people we can get. And we're not gonna let you die Dean. Me and Cas will make sure of that." 

Dean looked down and shook his head. He glanced back up at Sam. "You don't know that. And if I do, you need to take care of Cas Sam. I'll need you to watch over him because he's gonna be a mess. He won't be able to function right. I need you to make sure he's okay." His voice cracked as he thought of it. 

"Dean stop thinking like that. Please. Nothing's gonna happen."

Dean took a deep breath and looked around for a second as he thought about Jenny helping them. It might be a good idea and that way Sam could protect her and when Dean did die...if he did die...Sam would have someone to hold on to. "Fine. I'll train her if she wants in. We need to start fast though alright. I don't know how much longer we have. Make sure she's back here by noon." 

Sam nodded with a sadness in his eyes and Dean nodded and turned to go upstairs and check on Cas. Sam watched him disappear upstairs and had to swallow a knot in his throat. He wasn't worried until he saw that his brother was worried. Now he was frightened he would lose him. That he wouldn't be able to help Cas's cause he would be a mess too. He tried to shake it off and turned to make his coffee. 

Dean opened the door and Cas was sitting on the edge of the bed. His face was distraught and sad and Dean narrowed his eyebrows at him. "Cas. What's wrong?"

Cas looked at him and tears fell down his cheeks. Then he stood up and faced him. "I heard you talking to Sam. You're not dying Dean. I won't let it happen. I didn't come here and escape heaven, giving up everything for nothing. I can't lose you. You mean too much to me. I love you too much. We've been through too much together. If I lose you Sam won't be able to help me." 

Dean stepped forward and grabbed Cas's face in his hands and stared into his eyes. "Stop this. If something does happen to me I want you to keep going. I want you to survive. Live your life. Be happy. It's all I want from you. Do you understand?" His voice was stern as he said it and Cas shook his head. 

"I can't Dean. I can't. Don't you get that. You're the other half of me. If you're gone half of me will go with you. That's why I can't let it happen. I won't let it happen."

Dean looked down at his lips and then kissed him hard, passionately moving his lips over and over his, their tongues tangled together. He didn't care if he would get sick. He wanted Cas to know he loved him just as much as he did him. Cause if he ever lost Cas...half of him would go with him too.


	7. "Dean's a big teddy bear."

Dean was hovered over Cas on the bed, kissing him softly.  They had just finished making love and he couldn't get enough of Cas and the way he was looking at him at this moment. His blue eyes boring into his, and the small grin he had. His face was still warm from being sick but Cas seemed to ignore it at that point. He was busy focusing on touching Dean at that very moment. Running his fingers up and down his muscles, tracing his fingers along his arms and his back and lightly against his shoulder blades and back down to his ass. The blanket was laying over his waist and his eyes were tightly closed as he moved his lips in sync with Cas's. His elbows rested on either side of Cas's head, he gently ran his fingers through his hair at the same time. At that moment he realized how deeply in love with him he was. He always knew but sometimes it amazed him how much when he felt like his heart was about to explode. 

There was three knocks on the door and Dean pressed his forehead against his and groaned. "What Sammy?" He called out

"She's here. Whenever you're ready." The answer came from the outside 

Dean sighed and lifted his head to look at Cas. Cas smiled back at him and caressed his cheek. "It's okay Dean. I want to rest anyways."

Dean let out a soft groan and gave him a quick kiss on the lips before getting up. Cas continued to smile as he watched Dean get dressed and admired how sexy he was. After he was fully dressed he grabbed his coat and walked over to Cas and kissed him again. "Get some rest babe."

Cas nodded and turned over and closed his eyes as Dean walked out and shut the door softly behind him. 

Dean walked down the stairs and saw Sam and Jenny sitting on the couch. They were laughing about something and Dean couldn't help but think about how happy Sam looked and in the back of his head knew he deserved to be happy as he did. 

"What are you guys talking about?" Dean asked smiling at them. Sam looked at Dean and cleared his throat awkwardly. 

"We were discussing war of war craft."

Dean blinked in confusion. "War of what?"

"It's a game."

"Ah. Well.  That's great you two get along like the nerds you are." Sam gave Dean a glare and Dean shrugged. "What you are? You always have been." He jerked his head and gave him a wink and Sam gave him a resting bitch face. 

"You're such an asshole Dean." 

"So I've been told." He said licking his lips and smirking. "So are we going to go or not?" He said looking at Jenny. She stood up and ran her hands down her plaid shirt, straightening it out. 

"I'm ready."  

"Good. Sam do some research on this zombie apocalypse thing while we're gone. We'll be back in a couple days."

Sam nodded seriously. "That should give me more time."

"Alright. Let me go upstairs and pack a bag and I'll be back."

He stomped back upstairs to his bed room and quietly packed a bag while Cas slept soundly. He threw only initial necessities into the duffle bag, including his tooth brush, clothes, and clean socks. After he zipped it up, he threw the strap over his shoulder and walked over to Cas and kissed his head. Cas gave a soft murmur in his sleep and Dean smiled at how peaceful he looked. He felt his forehead and let it a sigh when he noticed he was warm again. 

He quietly left the room and closed the door gently. When he came back downstairs Sam and Jenny stood up when they saw him. Dean stopped in front of Sam and sighed heavily giving him a worried look. "Please take care of him okay. He's warm again but he's asleep and I don't want to wake him."

Sam nodded. "Of course. He'll be fine Dean. I promise."

Dean nodded. "He better. He's not much without his powers. I feel like I'm protecting him more then he's protecting me."

Sam let out a small chuckle. "You kind of are. Let's just hope you don't get sick."

"Why would I get..." Dean stopped and his eyes widened when Sam smirked and tilted his head at him. "I'll be fine. Let's go." He said to Jenny and he headed for the front door. Jenny gave Sam a small kiss and Sam tightly closed his eyes feeling her lips pressed against his. 

"I'm so nervous. He kind of scares me." She whispered against his lips. 

"Who Dean?" Sam chuckled. "Don't be afraid of him. He's a teddy bear. Just make sure you listen to him. He's smart. He knows his shit." Sam smiled at her and cupped her face in his hands and kissed her again before she turned following suit behind Dean. 

"Just saying you should probably get some airborne or something !" He shouted after them as they stepped out the door. Dean flipped him off with a sarcastic smile on his face and then he shut the door. 

Dean threw his duffle bag in the back seat and Jenny nervously didn't know what to say. Dean intimidated her for some reason. He was obviously the over protective brother who would kill anyone who hurt Sam, physically or mentally. Dean and her got in the car and he started the car and as he looked over at her with her hands folded in her lap looking straight ahead. 

"You sure you want this?" Dean asked. It was the first thing he had said to her and she glanced over at him and nodded slowly. 

"I do." 

"Alright. Cause once you're in there's no backing out. Believe me I tried."

"I know. I'm ready." She nodded surely. "But where are we going?"

He pulled the car into gear and pulled the car off into the street. "We're going on a little hunt."

Later that night Sam sat trying to find any information on his computer about any other zombie like incidents happening when Cas came strutting down the stairs looking weak and tired. His eyes red and swollen and his hair a mess dressed in a black hoodie and a pair of Dean's sweatpants. He sluggishly walked into the kitchen and saw Sam sitting there at the table under the lamp light and Sam locked eyes with him and sighed at how horrible he looked. "Cas you should be in bed." 

"I'm tired of being in bed." He answered the younger brother with a gruff reply. He walked over to the sink and grabbed a glass and filled it with water. He chugged it in less then five seconds and Sam raised his eyebrows. 

"Thirsty?" 

Cas gasped for breath as he lowered the glass and looked at the glass with a serious look. "Very. I don't think I'll ever get used to how you guys deal with all this."

Sam chuckled. "We don't."  

Cas placed the glass in the sink and sat across from Sam. "What are you doing?"

Sam looked up from his lap top at him and shrugged. "I'm trying to find out if any other occurrences have happened since the last one in California."

Cas furrowed his eyebrows at him. "And?"

He sighed in reply. "And nothing. I can't find anything."

"Well..." Cas coughed into his fist and sniffed. "Maybe it's all just a coincidence."

"No. It can't be. You said yourself Hannah warned you about something big coming from Lucifer. And with Lucifer out of the cage, he could be anywhere, causing God knows what."

"Yeah, but maybe she just wanted to blackmail me. Scare me so that I wouldn't be with Dean."

Sam nodded. "That very well could be too. We'll see. All I know is it's weird what happened to your wife."

"I can help you look." Cas said his expression concerned and he knew Cas wanted to help but he was in no shape or form to. 

"You can help me by going back to bed. I'm on strict instructions to take care of you while Dean is away."

Cas looked around in a panic. It was quiet but he had thought maybe Dean went out for a drink or something. "Where is Dean?"

"He left on a hunt." Sam said taking a drink of his beer as he looked back his computer screen. 

"A hunt?! Alone!" Cas's voice rose in panic as he sat up straight. His eyes bore into Sam's with anger. "You let him go off alone after Hannah said he might die."

"Calm down Cas. He's not alone. He's with Jenny. He's training her."

"Training!" Cas shouted and he got up to go upstairs and Sam rushed after him as he started to fumble and collapse in dizziness. Cas held on to the banister as Sam grabbed his arm and held him up with his weight. 

"Cas. He's fine. I promise. He said he'll call and text constantly and I'm sure Jenny will too."

Cas gritted his teeth and looked at Sam. "I swear if anything happens to him I will hurt you so bad."

"I know Cas. I know. Come on. Let's go upstairs and you can call him." He helped him up the stairs and into the bedroom. When Cas laid down on Deans bed he reached for his cell phone and called Dean with Sam standing there with his arms folded watching him. 

Dean's gruff voice answered on the third ring. "Hey baby." 

Cas smiled to himself as he heard his voice and heard the wind as he supposed Dean was still driving. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. How are you? Are you feeling better?"

Cas looked at Sam and sighed. "No. Not really. I'm dying."

Dean rolled his eyes on the other end. "You're not dying Cas. It's just a cold." 

"I don't care about me. Where are you going?"

"We're heading to Louisville Kentucky . I'll be back in a couple days. Rest please. Don't worry about me."

"Dean I wish you would have told me you were leaving."

"You wouldn't have let me." Dean smiled on the other end as he drove holding the phone while Cas was on speaker. "Beside you were sleeping. And this was last minute. We'll explain everything when you're feeling better." 

Cas groaned. "Alright."

"Rest. I love you." 

"I love you too." He said sounding like a disappointed child when their parents tell them no. 

They said goodbye and Cas looked at Sam as he smiled back at him. "Shut up." Cas said to him. 

"I told you he's fine." 

"Yeah. Forgive me for being the protector." He said looking away. 

"You're not much a protector right now being sick. Get better." He walked out and closed the door leaving Cas to sleep. 

Dean threw the phone on the dash board and Jenny was smiling as she watched him. He looked at her. "What?"

"It's just so disgustingly cute. I didn't know we were in a chick flick. What's it called?" She grinned at him as he rolled his eyes at her. 

"It's called shut your face.  You sound like Sam." He said putting his eyes back on the road and smiling. 

"How long have you guys been together?" She asked him. "I mean you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

He glanced over at her. "Me and Cas...?"

"No you and Bob." She said sarcastically. 

Dean gave her a small chuckle. "Smart ass."

"So I've been told. I'm sucha a smart ass I can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what color it is." She smiled at him and tucked a strand of her brown hair behind her ear. 

Dean smiled and glanced out the drivers side window and back at the road. "We've been together for a while. It started off we were just friends. Like he was my best friend. He's always been there. He would lay down his life for me. Shit he even pulled me out of hell and then some. I realized I was in love with him five years ago. But shit happened and we got separated but we some how found our way back to each other. A few times." Dean got lost in the story as he told her and didn't realize he was smiling to himself. "We've had our moments but yeah he's...he's the love of my life. I wouldn't give him up for anything."

"Are you sure were not in a chick flick? Cause I think you just poured your sappy love story to me." She grinned at him. 

"Shut up." He said and playfully and gave her a small grin. "What about you? You really like my brother?"

She nodded surely. "I do. A lot."

"Why?" Dean asked sarcastically in a playful manner. 

She shrugged. "I don't know. We just clicked."

Dean gave out a soft chuckle. "Yeah I forgot. You're both nerds."

"We're not nerds cause we like WOW okay? It's a good game. You should play it."

Dean put a hand up. "No thank you. I've had enough role play games to last me a while. I worked a case like that. Couple of them. I'm good."

Jenny laughed and looked out the window. Dean looked at her. She really was beautiful and perfect for Sam. She was beginning to grow on him as much as he didn't want that. He wanted to hate her but he couldn't. She was so sweet and innocent almost. Maybe Cas was right. Maybe he needed to give her chance and let Sam take care of himself. 

"Hey." He said quietly. She turned and looked at him. His expression was soft and genuine. "You like my brother. I get that. Just don't hurt him. He's been through so much. You don't know the half of it. He needs someone like you in his life but I'm afraid if he falls too hard, and feels even the slightest love I feel for Cas, there will be no picking him up. So please. Just don't hurt him."

She smiled softly at him. "I promise."

"Alright. Then I give you two my blessing." He looked back at the road and she turned again to look out the window, thinking of Sam and already missing him. 

They arrived in Kentucky twelve hours later and checked in to the red roof inn a few minutes after. As Jenny sat her bag down she watched Dean throw his on the second bed and stretch and yawn. 

"You haven't even told me what the hunt is?" She said and he glanced up at her as he opened his duffle bag and grabbed a pair of sweats out of it and his toothbrush. 

"That's for you to find out. Search the internet. Tell me if there's anything weird around here. Let me see if you can find what I came here for."

"Oh. Ok." She said and unzipped her own bag and grabbed her laptop out.  

Dean smiled at her. "I'm gonna grab a shower. Good luck." 

Then he disappeared into the bathroom and closed the door. When he was in the bathroom he called tried to call Cas but there was no answer. He tried Sam then, who answered on the second ring. "How's Cas?" He asked him. 

"He's good. Sleeping still."

Dean let out a sigh of relief. "Good. Cause I tried calling and he didn't answer."

"Probably has it on silent. He's fine Dean."

Dean rubbed his forehead feeling exhaustion hit him from the long drive. "Alright. Did you find anything?"

"No. Nothing yet. Still keeping an eye out."

"Alright. Don't exhaust yourself okay. Sleep too."

"I know. I will. But I need to ask you something."

Dean looked up at his reflection of himself holding the phone to his ear in the mirror and frowned. "What?"

"Do you like her?"

Sam waited almost thirty seconds for his answer and knew Dean didn't want to admit he did. 

"Yeah. Yeah Sammy. I really do."

He could almost hear Sammy smile on the other end. "I told you."

Dean chuckled. "Yeah don't get too proud of yourself there funny boy. Get some sleep okay."

"Yes sir." 

They hung up. When he looked at the time on his phone it was midnight. he threw the phone on the bathroom counter and undressed quickly before stepping into the very hot shower. He let the hot water relax his muscles. He scrubbed shampoo into his hair and put his head back and let the water wash it out as he Dean his fingers through it. As he put the conditioner through it he thought about Cas and smiled to himself and how it just proved that people fell in love in the most mysterious ways. Then his thoughts drifted about Sam and Jenny and as he washed out the conditioner he knew he had to let Sam be happy too. Maybe this was part of Gods plan. Him and Cas. Sam and Jenny. Maybe God was letting them finally be happy again. 

He was still thinking about after he washed the soap off his body and turned the shower off. When he stepped out of the bathroom finally dressed in a pair of sweat pants and a white t shirt and his hair wet from the shower. Jenny looked up from her lap top and pointed to the beer on the table across from her. "I made a beer run. I figured you'd want one." 

Dean blinked in surprise as he looked at the beer and then back at her. "Damn. That was quick."

"Gas stations around the corner. No biggy. But I think I found something." 

Dean picked up the beer and stood over her to see what she was looking at. He raised the beer to his lips and let the flavor wash down his throat. "What did you find?"

"There's an asylum not far from here. Over a thousand people have gone to inspect it. Like get EVPs and catch hauntings on tape but they never came out. Like they disappeared never to be seen again. Ghost hunters did an investigations and said it was so bad he would never go back there. There's been demonic possessions there. You name it."

Dean stared down at her lap top with his eyebrows furrowed and nodded. "Good job. Now what really tells you that's our kind of thing?"

"The people missing. Going in and never coming out. That's a little strange."

Dean smiled down at her. "Well you're a natural. What can I say?"

"Say you were wrong about me." She looked up at him and he nodded. 

"I admit I was wrong. Sorry I judged so quickly."

She smiled back at him and gave him a playful look. "I accept."

He chucked and yawned as he sat on the edge of his bed.  "I need my four hours. So. We'll start out in the morning."

She nodded and went back to her lap top to get more information to take with them tomorrow. Dean chugged the rest of his beer, put the empty bottle on the night stand and laid back on the bed and closed his eyes. He didn't even bother shutting the light off he was so exhausted. Sleep found him really quickly and he drifted into a deep sleep but started having really bad nightmares. He dreamt of zombies eating him while he was still alive. Their hands dug into his stomach and tore at his flesh. Their teeth ripped at his insides and he screamed out for Cas but Cas was no where to be found. 

He jumped up awake and looked around the room. Daylight streamed through the windows and Jenny was asleep in her bed across the room. He was sweating and his heart was racing. He tried to catch his breath as he wiped the beaded sweat from his forehead. 

There was five loud knocks on the door and Dean looked at the door confused.  He wasn't expecting anyone and no one knew where he was except Sam. He got up and grabbed his gun on the nightstand before he padded across the hotel room still thinking of that dream and trying to shake it. He opened the door and his widened at who stood there. "Cas..."


	8. "But I don't like this."

"Hello Dean." Cas said. He looked like crap and Dean could tell his fever had to be sky high. His cheeks and lips were red which was a sign of a really high fever. His nose was running and his eyes were puffy and red. Dean was just about to say something when Cas sneezed all over him. Dean pressed his lips together and ran a hand down his face, wiping the spit and snot off. 

"I love you too Cas." He said with a bit of an edge to his tone. 

"Sorry Dean." Cas replied with an apologetic look. 

"What are you doing here? I told you to stay at home. You're sick man. You need to rest. How did you even get here?" His voice was rough and Cas could tell he was a little angry. 

"I waited till Sam was in the shower and I went and looked at his texts from you. Then I...highjacked all the way here." 

Dean squinted his eyes at him in confusion. "You mean you hitchhiked?" 

"Yes." Cas said seriously. 

"Do you even know how to hitchhike?" 

"Well. It became easier once I realized I was using the wrong finger." Cas held up his hand and showed him the middle finger and switched to his thump. Dean tried to open his mouth to say something about how cute he was but he stopped himself. He had to be angry with Cas for almost getting himself killed escaping the safety of the bunker. 

Deans voice became angry with concern. "Cas do you realize how dangerous it is to hitchhike. People kill people like that. You're human now. You're not an angel anymore so it would have been very easy to kill you. And especially when I'm sure angels are on your ass too. You could have died Cas!"

"I needed to be here with you Dean. I couldn't let you do this on your own. Especially when Hannah said you're fate rest in my hand. You could die. And I won't let that happen."

Dean's eyes softened a bit and he opened the door wider. "Come here." 

Cas fell into Dean's tight embrace and hugged him back. Dean let go and let him in, shutting the door behind him. "I have to admit. I did miss you. So I'm kind of glad you're here." He touched his cheek but then quickly withdrew his hand realizing there was snot all over his nose and cheek. He gave a disgusted face and wiped his hands on his sweats. "Well I'm definitely gonna get sick now." He said as he turned around and pulled some Kleenex out of the box on the night stand and handed it to Cas. "Wipe your nose. It's everywhere."

"I'm sorry Dean." He said and wiped his nose with the tissue. Dean sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. He looked over at Jenny who was still sound asleep. 

"Look Cas, you can be here. Alright. But you're not going with me on this hunt. You're warm and sneezing everywhere. You don't need to protect me yet. Didn't Hannah say I would be eaten by zombies? There are no zombies yet. Okay? We're not even hunting anything close to that. And without your mojo you can't do much anyways to protect me."

Cas went to say something but stopped himself. He knew down deep Dean was right. 

Just then Deans phone lit up on the nightstand next to him and began to vibrate. He picked it up and saw Sam's name on the screen. He rolled his eyes and answered it, pressing the phone to his ear. 

"Sammy. What's up?"

"I can't find Cas." 

Dean heard panic in his voice and he looked up at Cas standing over him. "Yeah well...that cause he's right here. You were supposed to be watching him."

"I'm sorry Dean. I'm not a baby sitter you know. I have to sleep sometime."

"Yeah well. I got him from here." He hung up and looked up at Cas again. "You had Sam worried."

Cas apologetically looked at him and then looked down at the floor. "I didn't mean to worry him. But my priority is your safety." 

Cas eyes glanced back up at him and Dean gave him a small sarcastic smile. "Yeah well like I said you can't do much without your powers so."

"I can at least do something then sit back and let you get hurt."

A small smile formed on Deans face as he looked up into his innocent crystal blue eyes. He patted the mattress and Cas sat next to him as Dean cupped Cas's cheek with one hand and leaned in and kissed his slightly chapped lips. He pulled away and looked up at Cas's messy tasseled hair and ran his fingers through it. "My poor boy."

Jenny then stirred in the bed across the room and opened her eyes. She jumped up, turning into auto pilot seeing the strange man in the room and reached for her gun on the night table. "Whoa whoa." Dean saw her reaction and jumped up and held his hands up. "It's okay. It's okay. It's just my boyfriend."

Jenny let out a sigh of relief and sat the gun down. "Jesus. I thought I was gonna have to gank someone."

Dean smiled at her. "No no. It's just Cas."

Cas stood up and stood next to Dean. Dean looked at Cas and put his arm around him. "Jenny this is Cas."

She ran a hand through her hair and stood up putting her small hand out to shake his. Cas took it and smiled at her. "Hello." 

"This is Sammy's uh...girlfriend." Dean still couldn't get used to it. 

"Hi. Sorry. I kind of just reacted." She smiled sweetly at him. 

"No that's good. Good reflexes." Dean said smiling still at her. 

"Is he coming with us?" She asked looking between the two of them. 

"No. No. Cas is uh...Cas is gonna stay here. Aren't you Cas." 

Dean glared at him and Cas knew that look was a warning and he slowly nodded. "Yes."

Dean looked back at Jenny. "See he's sick. So he can't come."

"He can't or you won't let him?" She both hands on her hips and glared at Dean. 

"Both." 

"Why?"

"Because he doesn't have his mojo back and he's stripped of all things angelic. So if he gets killed. That's it. And I can't lose him alright?"

"Aw." She said and smiled at them. "You two are adorable." 

Cas kind of rolled his eyes. "Thank you. But it's not very cute. I feel helpless. I want to help."

"Why not get your powers back?" She asked him. 

"Because I don't know who has them. They got taken from me five years ago."

"Why did they take them from you?" She was curious and wanted to catch up on everything. 

"Because I was in love with not only a human but a man. And we made love and an angel having sex with a human is an abomination in heaven." 

"I see..." she said her eyes narrowed at him. "Why? That's so stupid."

"That it is. But it's just how things are up there." Cas said, his lips curving into a half smile. 

"Yeah. Angels are a bunch of dicks up there." Dean said. 

"Dean..." Cas said, almost feeling a little hurt. 

"What? I'm just saying. You were a dick when I first met you too."

"Yeah but I learned didn't I?"

"Okay okay." Jenny interrupted them, putting a hand up. "No fighting." 

"We're not fighting. We bicker. This is an every day thing." Dean smiled as he said it and it got a smile from Cas in response cause he knew it was true. "Just like when I told you to stay in the bunker." Dean said and turned and looked at him. 

"You know I don't ever listen to you Dean."

"Obviously." Dean said with a bit of an attitude and Jenny rubbed her forehead. 

"Okay...wait...I..." Jenny started to say but was interrupted by a knock at the door. 

Dean turned to Cas with a questionable face. "You expecting someone?"

Cas narrowed his eye brows at him and shook his head. Dean walked up to the door and opened it to see four military officers standing in front of him. 

"Where is Castiel Novack?" One of them asked. 

"Whose asking?" Dean asked with a gruff protective voice. 

"The United States military. We need him to come down for questioning about what happened to his wife."

"Um no he isn't going anywhere..." He was cut off by Cas placing a hand on his shoulder. 

"It's okay Dean." He gave Dean a soft expression 

"No you're not leaving this hotel room." He turned to look at the military officer again, his voice filled with anger. "Look he's sick okay. He's not leaving this room. You can talk..." 

Before he could say anything else a fist collided with his cheek bone and he fell back wards to the floor. Pain ripped through his cheek and he groaned as he tried to stand up again. The four men rushed in to the hotel and grabbed Cas quickly, one of them handcuffing him and Cas looked more confused as ever. 

"Wait. Why are you detaining me?" Cas asked frantically. Dean looked up at Cas, it was the first time he'd saw fear in Cas's eyes. "Dean..." he pleaded out loud as they pulled him out the door.

"Cas!" Dean got up off the floor and charged at the military officers. He threw a punch to one of their faces and the man backed up a few steps, holding his cheek and wincing in pain. Dean turned and grabbed the other one by the collar of his camouflaged shirt and pushed him against the wall of the hotel. 

But before he could do anything else something hit him in the back and sent voltages of electricity through his body. He winced and screamed in pain and shook uncontrollably before he collapsed to the ground. 

"Dean!" Cas shouted as the four men forced him into the back of the car. Jenny rushed to Deans side as he continued to shake from the shock he had just received for the next five minutes. He groaned as his body finally felt like he was able to stand again. Jenny helped him up and he groaned as he stood, straightening his body out. 

"Are you okay?" Jenny said still trying to hold him up as if she could catch him if he fell. He shook his head and bent down, hands on his knees as nausea swept over him. His cheeks began to tingle and his mouth began to water. 

Then he threw up everywhere. Jenny rubbed his back as he continued to throw up for the next minute or so. "Come on Dean. Don't do this to me. You're supposed to be the tough one." 

He stood up with that, grunting and wiped his mouth with his arm and looked down the road where Cas disappeared and he swallowed hard. 

"I let him down." he said quietly. 

Jenny rubbed his back. "We'll get him back."

Dean hung his head. She kind of reminded him of Sam with her positive attitude and being able to keep him together so he didn't fall apart. 

"Get me my cell phone." He told her. Jenny nodded and ran into the hotel room and returned with it. He took it from her and dialed Sam's number and pressed the phone to his ear. 

"Dean! I found something!" He answered excitedly. 

"Sam. We have problems." His voice almost cracked. 

"I know we do. But listen to this..."

"Cas just got detained by some military officers and taken." He interrupted him. 

"Detained? Why?"

"I don't know. But I just got punched and hit with a an electric stick thingy." Dean reached behind and touched his lower back where he had been struck. The pain was still there but not as bad. 

Sam narrowed his eyebrows together on the other end. "Electric stick thingy? Are you okay?" 

"Yeah I'm fine. But Cas isn't. I gotta find him but I'm gonna need your help. We're coming back to get you."

"Okay but Dean. I found something."

Dean had been just about to hang up but placed the phone back to his ear. "What? Another siting?"

"No. Worse. Mother Teresa."

Dean was confused now. "You found mother teresa?"

"No I didn't find mother Teresa. But she was one of the most respected woman on the planet right?"

Dean blinked a few times. "Yeah. So."

"Well according to this instead of doing more good then bad, she actually made more people sick so she could raise more money. Her evil and cruel nature supposedly fed into her rosary beads that she carried on her."

"So what it's cursed or something?"

"Good of guess as any. According to my John he said he thinks the government lied about how it started. That this really makes sense cause this whole zombie crap started right before she died. It's a theory that she was making people sick with this virus but it mutated and spread. And quickly. They infected their families and then it became airborne. It's in everyone now. The government has tried to keep it under control and detained and under wraps but it's getting worse."

"So what's the virus?" Dean asked looking over at Jenny who was narrowing her eyebrows at him. 

"No one knows. And with her dead I really don't think there's any way to stop it."

Dean ran a hand down his face and sighed. "Wait so. It's in all of us. What does that mean?"

"Well according to what John said the virus became airborne. But it lays dormant until you die. Then it wakes up and attacks the cerebral cortex causing the person to come back to life so to speak. And usually there's about ten seconds before the person dead wakes up and they just attack. They have what John called a need to feed. So they attack anything. Humans. Animals. Anything."

"Jesus Christ". Dean said overwhelmed with the information he was given. It was all like a bad dream. "Well we're heading back. Be ready. God knows what they're doing to Cas and we need to find him fast."

"Okay. I'll start packing."

"Great." He hung up and looked at Jenny. "Let's go."

\--- 

Cas sat in the back seat and looked out the passenger seat window. He turned his head and looked at the two officers sitting in the front. "Why am I being detained? I'm not stupid. I know this has nothing to do with my wife."

The one driving looked up in the mirror at Cas in the back seat. "You don't recognize us Castiel."

Cas narrowed his eyes at him and as the man looked back at him he knew who it was. "Michael..."

Michael smiled as he continued to look through the mirror at him. "In the flesh. Well...so to speak. I had to find another vessel but this one will do. For now."

"What is going on?" Cas said in a gruff tone still narrowing his eyebrows at him. 

"You were wrong you know. This has everything to do with your wife." 

"What do you mean?" 

"So you're sleeping with Dean Winchester huh? That's low. Even for you." His eyes fell back on the road as he drove. 

"How do you know about me and Dean?" Cas said narrowing his eyebrows at him, revealing the lines between his eyes. 

"Everyone knows. You were warned once Castiel. And we took you away from him. Wiped your memory clean of him. And you were even punished by taking your grace away. But you insist on going back to him. It's an abomination to lay with a human. You know that." Michael watched as Cas's eyes lowered to look at his feet. "See. You know your in the wrong." 

"It's not that." Cas said looking up at him. "It's just you all don't understand. I love him. And I don't feel like there's anything wrong with that."

Michael shook his head frustrated. "You don't get it Castiel. You got too close to him from the very start. We knew you weren't right for that job but they let you anyways. You have too much heart. Impaired your judgement to do the job correctly every time."

"So what? You're taking me away from him?"

"So to speak. It's starting Castiel. The second round of the apocalypse. And we need you focused and ready for this. Your wife needs you ready for this. Lucifer made a deal with someone and in return she would be praised and famous and wealthy. Now she's gone and it's the beginning."

"My wife? She's alive?"

"She's very much alive. You know that means? You've committed adultery with another man." He tisked tisked. "Like I said, that's low even for you."

"I love Dean. And if my wife has any part of this then she's a two faced whore and a liar." Cas spat. 

"Wow. What language. He really had changed you." Michael said looking at him in the mirror again. "I can smell him all over your damn trench coat."

Cas rolled his eyes. "Who made did Lucifer make a deal with?"

"Doesn't matter. There's no way to stop it. We're gonna have to wait it out in heaven until the it's over and then come down when Lucifer least expects it and ruin his whole plan. For good." Cas coughed and the phlegm rattled in his chest. He looked up at Cas again through the mirror at red nose and swollen watery eyes. "You uh don't look so good. You infected?"

Cas scowled at him. "No. It's just a cold."

Michael nodded slowly. "I see. I uh...got something though that I know you want badly too and it would probably make you feel better." Michael reached into his breast pocket of the uniform and pulled out a small tube that was glowing. He could see the white aura floating around in it and he knew what it was. It was his grace. "I'll give this back to you but you have to promise me you'll help us. And that you'll stay away from Dean Winchester."

Cas thought about it. He knew that in order to really protect Dean in the future he needed his grace or else he was nothing without it. He didn't plan on staying away from Dean. He planned on finding a way back to him some how. But without his grace that wasn't going to happen either. He'd think of a plan later. He looked up at Michael and gave him a slight nod. "Okay. But you have to promise me he'll stay safe in all of this."

Michael sighed and looked out the window. "Fine. I'll ward him from any harm while all this is happening. Besides. He might be useful too in the future." 

"Alright. You have a deal." The military officer sitting next to him began to uncuff him. He was another angel too but Cas had never seen him before. 

Michael reached his arm back and handed him his grace. "Wait till we stop to take that. Don't want the car exploding."

Cas wrapped his hand around the small tube and took it from him. "Thank you." He told him. 

"Don't mention it. I think we actually might have a chance to beat Lucifer now. For good." 

Cas looked out the window to watch the trees as they flew by. He thought about Dean laying on the ground as he left. He knew he wasn't dead but he was still worried about him regardless. He knew Dean would come looking for him right away and he knew he had to think of a plan to escape before Dean put himself in danger. He had to play this out well as if he was going along with it. As long as Dean got warded from any harm first.

Michael didn't have a bad idea though. He didn't know what the plan was yet but waiting it out and then attacking was a start. Cas began to think maybe he would go along with it. He had to end Lucifer for good. He needed to be stopped and Cas could help now that he had his grace back. He could stop him and protect Dean at the same time. He didn't know how yet but he'd figure that out later. 

"What the hell?" Michael said out loud and stepped on the breaks to stop the car. Cas turned his head to look at what he was looking at. Right in front of them blocking the road was a group of at least thirty people with guns. They were standing standing in a single file line with three keeps behind them. Michael slowly opened the door and got out to talk to them. Cas watched through the window as Michael approached him. He saw their mouths rapidly moving, almost as if they were arguing. Then one of their eyes turned black and cocked his head at Michael before jamming an angel blade deep into his stomach. 

Gun shots rang through the air, hitting the car at every angle and Cas guessed they were angel killing bullets. He opened the door and slid on his stomach to the ground. He saw the other angels scramble to get out as he pulled his body through the dirt and underneath the car but they didn't make it. Cas could see their lifeless bodies from under the car heaped to the ground, eyes burned out, the shadow of their wings laying across the ground. 

Cas looked around from under the car. His breathing rapid and his heart pounding against his chest. Sweat beaded his face as he licked his dry lips. Maybe they didn't see him. He quickly tried to open the tiny tube to take his grace so that he could fight back but he didn't get a chance. He felt two big hands wrap around his ankles and pull him from underneath the car. 

He grunted as he turned onto his back to see who had pulled him. He squinted but the sun was in his face. It blinded him so much that he didn't see the butt of the shotgun that collided into his cheek before everything fell black and silent. 

\---

The traffic was awful coming into Springfield, Missouri. Cars were backed up for miles and Dean was getting irritated and he hit the stirring wheel. "Aw come on. It's not even rush hour. What the hell is going on?" He growled with his teeth clenched. 

Jenny leaned her head out the passenger window. "I can't even see what's going on up there." 

Dean undid his seatbelt and got out of the car and looked around. He couldn't see anything either. Just a bunch of people just as mad and irritated as he was. A motorcycle flew by him, squeezing between cars and almost shoved him against his own. "What the hell?" Dean yelled out to the guy even though he knew he couldn't hear him over the loud engine and the constant honking of the cars. 

Just then there was a huge explosion behind him. Dean covered his face as he looked behind him but realized that it was too far down to even hurt him. It looked like a car had suddenly exploded Dean was more confused as ever as he heard a helicopter flying above him and over the traffic. He looked up squinting his eyes through the sunlight watching it hover over. Jenny got out of the car as well and looked around. "What the hell is going on?" She asked. 

"I have no idea." Dean replied yelling over the loud noise. "But I don't like this." 

Just then there was a scream and Dean's head jerked over to where it was coming from and his eyes widened at the sight. A man leaped into the air and pounced on a woman who had stepped out of the car same as Dean to see what was happening. He knocked her to the ground and started biting into her stomach. And then ripping and tearing. Dean swallowed hard and took a step back slowly, his eyes were full of terror as he watched. People began to get out of their cars and run toward Dean away from the attack. 

Then he watched as it ran off and attacked a man that stood behind her. His eyes fell back to the woman who had been attacked a moment earlier and saw she began to twitch and bend. She stood up quickly and turned toward what looked like her husband. He was stepping back, tears streaming down his face as it looked like he mouthed something like "baby" and then she launched at him, biting down into his neck and tearing away the flesh. There was blood everywhere. He looked back at the people who were running away toward him and he blinked a few times to see a heard of infected coming toward them. 

"Get in the car." Dean told Jenny and she did. They got in the car in unison, slamming the doors closed at the same time. "Hold on." He said as the car into reverse, looking behind him, his arm rested on the back of Jenny's seat as he did. 

"Dean!" Jenny screamed as a someone leaped on to the front of his car, shattering the windshield. Dean snapped his head forward and stared in fear as it growled and tried biting through the window. He turned into auto pilot and slammed on the gas. The car swung into reverse, taking it with them for a few blocks until he put the car into gear and stepped on the gas shooting forward with such speed it flew off to the side and hit the ground. 

"Hold on." Dean put an arm out as if to shield her as they zipped through and between cars slamming into people's car doors, snapping their rear view mirrors off. People were being attacked everywhere and Dean almost felt as if the world had became silent. It was like it was in slow motion. Like a bad movie. There were sirens and screams and the sound of chaos all around him. At that moment Dean realized it was the first time he had been officially terrified since he made that deal and sold his soul for Sam. That whole year had been terrifying anticipating what was to come for him. But this...this was a feeling of terror he had never felt in his life. This was the first time he felt in real danger of death. 

Hey guys!! This is the end of the first part of the series. I will be working on the second part. Thought I'd leave you on a cliff hanger. There will be a cross over with The Walking Dead. Thought that this will be very interesting. I hope you liked the first part!!! No Greater Love : Lost and Found will be posted soon. Tell me what you think of this one.


End file.
